Skip to main content

TIFU by eating chocolate covered pretzels

Post a Comment

TIFU by ordering an irresistible fruity drink and becoming “father of the year”

When I order drinks, I usually keep it simple.

Bourbon and Coke, Gin and Tonic, Scotch on the rocks, the occasional Old Fashioned...that kind of thing.

But on the date of this fuckup, dear readers, I decided to mix it up.

So I'm with my family at a nondescript casual restaurant chain. You know the type. They're all over suburbia, decorated with kitschy local sports stuff/music memorabilia/antique ads/etc and populated by perky wait staff (who most likely secretly hate their jobs).

The waitress asks for my drink order, and instead of going with one of my usual standbys, I feel whimsical and order something off the menu with the words "tropical" in the name.

When she brings our drinks, mine is an explosion of colors with a cornucopia of tropical fruit adorning the sides. It's super sweet (probably has enough sugar in it to last two days), but tasty, refreshing, and stronger than I would have initially expected.

After drinking about a quarter of it, I go to hit the Gentleman's Room. Upon my return from the facilities, my (4 yo at the time) daughter has this mischievous and somewhat conspiratorial look on her face. She leans in and says to me, almost in a whisper:

"Daddy, I tried your pretty drink. It tasted a little weird, but I liked it!"

My eyebrows raise a little, but I know I shouldn't overreact, as she probably just had a tiny sip. I try to calmly (but assertively) explain that it's a grownup drink, and not for kids. My wife (bless her heart) realizes what has happened and is a little less reserved in telling our daughter, in her serious mom voice that "Don’t EVER drink a grownup drink. It’ll make you sick. They’re only for grownups".

Our daughter seems suitably chastened, and our food arrives. Then, she starts whining...

"I feel really sick now! My stomach hurts!"

Part of me thinks this is just psychosomatic, because we put the idea in her head of the inevitability of her getting ill. But then:

BLUUUUUUUURRRRRGGGGHHH

(onomatopoeia mine)

All over the table. And it was projectile. 😑

While my wife is dealing with the vomit-soaked table, I rush her to the bathroom, and then I'm suddenly reliving freshman year as I'm holding her hair back as she vomits some more into the toilet. All the while, I'm thinking "Parents of the year! I wonder when CPS is coming" 🤦🏻‍♂️

Needless to say, we never returned to that restaurant.

EDIT: before anyone asks why my wife wasn’t watching her while I was gone, we also have a son who was two at the time, that likely took a lot of her attention.

TLDR: I order a pretty but very alcoholic drink that proves irresistible to a toddler, and she throws up uncontrollably

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...
Post a Comment
Read more