TIFU by not realizing she was into me and now I’m full of regret

If you didn’t read my previous post about me self-sabotaging this.. friendship? Situationship? Idk what to call it. You should check it out also it adds some context to this story.

Anyways, maybe I’m being delusional by romanticizing moments that possibly had no significance but I’d like to share to get another perspective.

I’ll start by saying that I’ve always been a very timid person. I was obese and when growing up and in my early 20s I got into shape. Despite all this, I still have a hard time accepting compliments and feel like people are just being nice to me. I also struggle with communication. Even though I feel like I have improved, when shit gets serious I feel like I just revert back to my old ways and try to act like everything is okay instead of addressing the issue

After that night I (24M) spent with that girl (28F). I could feel myself care for her as more than a friend or hookup. I was scared about it because I thought I was just a hookup to her. She was also 4/5 years older than me so I didn’t think she’d be interested in dating a younger guy. When hanging out she told me about her ex and how badly he had hurt her. I could tell she still wasn’t over the whole situation but I didn’t mind because I was in a similar boat myself. She also told me about a time where she hung out with a guy friend who accidentally got too drunk and missed his first day at a new job. She didn’t mention sex with him but I just assumed it was another guy that she was hooking up with. We eventually messed around and after we were done we cuddled. She was all over me hugging me and we just laid there embracing each other as my music played in the background. I remember her saying “I really needed this” as she played with my hair and held me. I felt so cared for and loved every second of it. Unfortunately I had to go cause I had to be up early so I called an Uber to get home.

She walked me out and my dumbass just gave her an awkward side hug. I still cringe when I think about this. I wanted to kiss her but idk why I did that. She made me feel like I was still in high school acting all shy around her. It had been a while since I felt that. Over the next two weeks talked and things seemed to be going great. I let her know that if she ever wanted to hang out again to just let me know so we could plan it she said "same goes for you:)". i wanted to be around her so bad because I really liked her but I kept telling myself I was just a hookup to her. I thought to myself; let me just save up a bit so I can get a hotel for us again. I thought that’s all she wanted me for and I was willing to accept it because I liked her. I remember my birthday was a couple of days after we met up and she the first person apart from my sister to wish me a happy birthday. Maybe I’m reading too much into it because whenever it’s someone’s birthday I like being the first to wish them a happy birthday. Idk.

She sent me a snap one day of her at the movies and told me "took myself to the movies :)" and i was just like " ooo what movie did you watch" and now i feel like a dumbass because i think she sent that as a hint to ask her out.

I fucked up And asked her about the STDs and looking back now she seemed genuinely hurt that I thought that of her. To me, STDs are not an indication of what kind of person someone is. Everyone who has had sex (which is a huge % of people) runs the risk of being exposed to them and I would never judge someone’s character for that. I wish I told her that but I didn’t realize she was hurt by it until now. I was so worried about myself thinking I had caught something. She also told me “keep in mind other girls you’ve messed around with” and I told her she was the only one but I don’t think she believed me. Looking back now, maybe that was a sign of jealousy? Idk I still feel like I’m reading too much into it. I’d really appreciate your guys’ input.

I feel like if I would’ve made a move and asked her out things could have been different. Maybe she thought I wasn’t that into her when in reality I was and she was exactly my type. I just didn’t show it out of fear. Instead, I fucked everything up myself and now I’m posting it on here for others to read 🤣

tl:dr

Due to my low self esteem and intrusive thoughts I didn’t realize someone I was really into possibly saw me as more than a hookup