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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating a whole box of discount fudge-covered Oreos and experiencing the most embarrassing Christmas week ever

It all started with a trip to Grocery Outlet, where I stumbled upon a box of fudge-covered Oreos for just 17 cents. Yeah, you read that right, 17 cents! Like any sane person who loves a good deal (and Oreos), I grabbed three boxes without a second thought.

Fast forward to me at home, working on the code for a project and devouring the entire box.

The next few days were, to put it mildly, rough. I was constipated for an entire week during Christmas. It made me sick, gave the sweats, massive headaches. I thought I had Covid, took a couple negative at-home tests. Nothing moved, nothing helped, and I felt like death. My family's advice ranged from eating prunes to doing squats, but nothing worked.

Desperate, I turned to the laxative aisle in a CVS and grabbed some disgusting Milk of Magnesia in a blue bottle. Now, for those of you who don't know, this stuff is POTENT. But did I know that? Of course not. I chugged it like it was a Christmas eggnog.

Directly after drinking it, I decided to go for a hike with my dog, I thought I had at least an hour before the stuff took effect. I smoked a little bit of weed at the beginning of the trail and was having a nice brisk walk through the Northern Californian mountains. Halfway through the trail, my stomach did a somersault. I knew I had mere minutes before the Milk of Magnesia turned my insides into a high-pressure hose.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t make it. There I was, on a semi-popular hiking trail, with my dignity flowing down my jeans. I waddled back to the air b and b, praying I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew.

So, dear TIFU community, that’s how I spent my Christmas week – eating discount Oreos, getting constipated, trusting Milk of Magnesia a little too much, and shitting myself in the great outdoors. Lesson learned: respect the laxative, and maybe don’t eat a whole box of Oreos in one sitting, no matter how cheap they are.

TL;DR: Ate a whole box of super cheap fudge-covered Oreos, got constipated for a week over Christmas, took Milk of Magnesia without realizing its power, and ended up shitting myself on a hiking trail.

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