TIFU By not going to the bathroom when I had the chance

So yesterday was my (36M) birthday. My wife (30F) and I are from Michigan (U.S.) and decided to try something new and drove to London Ontario (Canada). We bar hopped and got a hotel to stay the night. Despite drinking quite a bit I woke up feeling pretty good.

We left the hotel and picked up McDonalds for breakfast. We got back on the road and shortly after that I felt the sudden need to “go”. It was definitely the alcohol shits. The feeling went away a few minutes later. I decided I could likely make the hour and a half drive back home without stopping.

The feeling kept coming back periodically. I saw a sign for a rest stop along the highway. I pull in and realize it’s only a large parking lot for trucks and two outhouses. It was cold, windy and raining. I didn’t have to go THAT bad. So we kept driving. The whole way back there were no towns and only a few exits with no restaurants or gas stations within view of the highway.

We are approaching Sarnia where we will go over the bridge to get back to Michigan. We also have to go through customs on the U.S. side of the bridge. We pass a digital sign on the highway that says there is “minimum” passenger vehicle traffic at customs. I think “ok great, we will breeze through customs and I’ll stop at the rest stop that’s just on the other side of the bridge.”

We pull up to the toll booth at the bridge. I see a bathroom just before the tolls. I should have stopped here. What difference does it make what country I shit in? But I was stubborn and decided to just pay the toll and get on the bridge. Once you get past the tolls you MUST go through U.S. customs. It’s not even possible to turn around as we are on the west bound span of the bridge. There are actually 2 spans - 1 for each direction. The bridge is pretty big. Big enough that freighters can pass under it. It’s still cold, raining and even windier now that we are up high in the air.

We make it about half way over the bridge. The lane for truck traffic starts backing up. I get a little nervous but so far our passenger vehicle lane is moving along just fine. We make it over the highest point of the bridge and start descending down. And there it is - our lane starts back up. There is probably a hundred cars ahead of us. Traffic is crawling. It looks like there is only 3 customs booths open.

I immediately regret not stopping earlier. Simultaneously my stomach starts acting up again. Only worse and more urgent feeling. I don’t think I’m going to make it. Panic sets in. I don’t know if it’s the nervousness or me trying to hold “it” in. It’s probably both and I start shaking. I tell my wife I don’t think I can wait. She tries to distract me by talking about what we have to do in the upcoming week. Bless her heart but I think it somehow made it worse.

“I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe this is happening” I say out loud. I would kill for a cold, damp outhouse right now. I start getting hot. I take my jacket off. Traffic is barely moving. I decide I’m going to get out and squat down between our jeep and the vehicle in front of us. But is that a good idea? We are at an international border crossing. I’m sure there are cameras along the bridge. What if the driver in front of us sees me? What will they do?

“Babe you can’t shit on the bridge, you just can’t. Go in this bag!” My wife grabs the paper bag from McDonalds. “That’s not going to be enough” I tell her. Based on how my stomach felt I had no confidence in the bag’s ability to stay together and not let the future contents soak through.

“Use the cup then” she says referring to the large McDonald’s cup of soda I had. Is she crazy? That cup is too narrow. What if I position it wrong? I can’t risk missing the opening. My wife looks in the back of the jeep and finds a plastic grocery bag. It has a small hole in the bottom. “Here, use the bags together. You can’t go outside, you just can’t! Go in the back of the jeep!” She says.

I have to decide now. I can’t wait any longer. She’s right, I can’t risk going outside and causing issues with customs. We are also 150ft up in the air, the wind is gusting and it’s raining pretty good. Not ideal. I climb into the back of our 2 door Jeep. Luckily we had taken the back seats out so I have plenty of room. I wonder if the driver behind us can see through the tinted soft top windows.

“I don’t even know how I’m going to do this - I have nothing to sit on!” I say. My wife climbs over and gets in the driver seat. Traffic keeps creeping ahead. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m sorry babe” I tell my wife.

I take the McDonalds bag and put it inside the plastic bag. I make sure they are as open as possible. I undo my pants and kneel down. I’ll spare you any other details. It goes surprisingly well. It wasn’t as violent as I thought it would be and both bags hold up.

“Oh my god, babe roll down the windows”. My poor wife starts gagging. She pulls her hoody up over her nose and manages to keep it together. But now the rain is blowing in and it’s cold. But honestly I feel so relieved. I carefully tie up the plastic bag and put it at the far back of the jeep. I take my jacket and lay it over the bag.

I climb into the front passenger seat. I can’t believe what just happened. And I can’t believe it went as good as it did. No messes at all. We both just start laughing. It still stinks. The wind is blowing the rain through my wife’s open window. She tries to roll it up part way but it starts smelling worse.

We are moving closer to the customs booths. There are still probably 50 cars ahead of us but now there are definitely cameras in view. My wife already has irrational anxiety about going through customs. I was suppose to be driving. She has tears rolling down her face from laughing. But customs might think she was crying for some other reason.

“Should we switch seats? She asks. “I don’t know, what if they see us on camera and get suspicious of us? I’m sorry but you’re just going to have to stick it out babe” I say. We continue to creep closer. Now we can see that they are randomly inspecting car trunks and going inside of RVs.

“Oh my god what if they want to open the back hatch and to see inside?” She asks. “I guess you’re just going to have to tell them what happened. It’s not like we broke any laws or did anything wrong”. We both start laughing again as we imagine how this conversation could unfold.

We pull up to the customs officer. He’s friendly, my wife holds it together and we go through without any trouble. We speed up to get back on the highway - windows down still. The wind does nothing but whip up the smell even worse. Thankfully that rest stop was only a mile ahead and we pull in and drop of the bag. I know we’ll never forget this happening. It’s probably the hardest my wife and I have ever laughed together.

TL;DR I had the alcohol shits, didn’t go to the bathroom when I had the chance and had to do my business in a bag at an international border crossing.