TIFU by racking up CC Debt

I have a bad psychological relationship with money. I can be impulsive. I buy things I think I need in order to try and make myself feel better.

After getting a divorce and being a hermit for the 3 years that were a blur, I started going on too many vacations, had a couple large vet bills, etc. I racked up money on CC. I took out a loan to pay it back at lower interest rate and was told to stop using the card. I used the card. I racked up more debt.

Over the last month, I’ve been dealing with a lot of issues. A break up. Loneliness of the holidays and no family in town. The burden of this debt. Isolating myself. All my summer hobbies gone. I started anxiety meds which are messing me up in big ways while my brain adjusts. I cannot stop uncontrollably sobbing and feeling like the sky is falling.

I’ve been taking steps to feel better. I work out. I eat well. I’m doing gratitude exercises. I’m engaging more with my friends. I deleted social media. I’m feeling much better.

Until yesterday.

A collections person calls me and starts berating me. She tells me I’m uncooperative, she is raising her voice at me. She’s asking why I spent money I don’t have. She tells me I’m not doing good enough.

Because of everything else above I start having a mild panic attack.

She starts berating me more. She says things like “you’re acting like I’m accusing you of treason” and “I’m saying boo and you’re having a complete meltdown” and the worst was “people are going to listen to this recording and wonder what is wrong with you”.

The entire time I’m speaking with her I was trying to be calm. I’m acknowledging I messed up. I’m acknowledging she’s doing her job. I messed up. I need to pay it back. I feel guilt. I feel ashamed. I’m angry at myself. I deserve the punishment. But I also don’t understand why she had to make it so personal and say everyone is going to think something is wrong with me.

That’s my f up and now I need to figure out how to get out of it. I can. I will.

TL;DR - I racked up a lot of credit card debt and feel awful. Then got berated by somebody doing their job in trying to recover the money for the bank.