TIFU Getting high for the monthly poker game

I get home from work and am feeling like shit I don't want to shower. This is my first mistake. I change clothes put on some deodorant, because I think that is going to do something about my stinky ass and sweaty feet.

I think to myself I want to have a good time, so I eat my last 2, 25mg D9 edibles which to my astonishment don't start to kick in right away. At this point I am about 2 months sober because I could have to test for work shortly (smart move dumbass).

So I start my drive and figure I need to stop and pickup some coke for the liquor I brought. (it was more expensive than I remember and that bothered me) I arrive outside this house and grab my stuff I brought walk up to the door and text the host Kyle to ask if someone can let me in. My buddy let's me in. (Note this is the first time in maybe 6 or 8 games I texted Kyle upon arrival so I was already feeling a little strange)

Kyle and Eric greeted me (just said hello). For a moment I stop and stare at the small table filled with 9 guys playing cards. Take my coat off hang it across the room on a chair.

Before asking where I should sit, someone said something about the brownies possibly having weed in them. Everyone starts talking about it and like a dumbass I said "yeah I had some before I came." (Note I have in the past had terrible paranoia when I'm high) Eric then said "oh yeah, I would do that but I get super PARANOID." (No actual emphasis from him on that word, but it is the way my mind heard it) At that moment my mentality changed from excited to see these guys and play some cards to [BE PARANOID], I had just allowed a word to control my mind. Every thing that came out of everyone's mouth for the rest of the night, in my reality was in fact about me...

I waited there for a moment. And asked what chair I should pull up, they pointed at a large wooden "kitchen" chair. I found a spot with my back to the TV (Where I felt in the way) and sat down. I was slow to ask for my money to be converted to chips, I pulled out my whole wad and sort of flashed it as I pulled off $400. Kyle said the average was $300 (usually I stay at the average). I was dealt in by Eric, and had trouble following how much in chips Kyle had gotten out for me. This should have been the first time I knew I was screwed. (I was so high I could not count) throughout the game I made mistakes in counting change, betting, staying focused on the game, figuring out what to do with my hands (mostly when I was dealing), and mucking my cards. So many things that maybe others wouldn't think are terrible but when they all keep adding up it just felt like everything was out to get me.

Everything in the conversation was about me. "Stinky breathe" "stinky feet" "long hair" "crazy person" "mental health issues" "farting in front of people (did this one the last time I was there)" "married, cats, dogs, asian wife" "$3 bet on if he is going to pick his nose (this one could have been about the fight on the TV behind me)" "can't have children of his own" "people should get kicked out for being stinky" "sad excuse for a life" They talked about their favorite fucking positions, during which I was quiet, painfully so, not even spouting out what I like to do, because you know my mind went straight to my sexless life. Kyle was the only one it seemed was not joining in on making comments about me.

From their point of view this could have been just poking fun. Or even trying to get a smile or a laugh out of me as I had to be pulling down the energy of the room with my blank stares and sad demeanor. With my silence and random glances where I would make eye contact with some of the others in the room. It just got strange.

Then the final nail in my coffin for my night. There was one hand that I knew from the start I was going to get a good hand. But, I felt like the guy in the computer chair who was dealing the hand was setting me up for a big loss. I was dealt 6/9 red, I didn't see the suits yet. I knew in this moment I was supposed to play this hand. now prior to this there was a straddle up to $4 and I wanted to play so I called. The guy next to act to my left raised to $16. With 4 or maybe 5 other calls before me, I also called. The flop was 5(hearts) J(diamonds), 8(clubs). I knew in this moment the next card was going to be a 7 giving me a straight; but my head was telling me that this guy dealing was setting me up to lose. I checked my cards and found a suited 6 and 9 of diamonds. I was shaking maybe from the weed or maybe from the card I knew was coming. The guy to my left that bet the initial $16 had now bet $50. My paranoia took over and when it was my turn, it only took a few moments, I folded knowing that I was folding a straight. The dealer turned over the last 2 cards because everyone else had folded also. The next card as anticipated was a 7 and a final card I didn't bother looking at. My paranoia got the best of me and rather than following my intuition, which could have been coming from my dead best friend who I always played poker with. (Note I work with energy and spirits in my free time [this makes me crazy I know])

At this point with everything being about me, I was high, my reality was breaking, I folded a hand that I was 95% sure I was going to win. This was the last straw, my mind had cracked; I wanted to leave, I didn't want to play anymore, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I had a fucking mental breakdown while playing poker with 9 guys and now I don't think I can ever go back.

I asked to buy out, which I did. I didn't even count the money I had gotten back because I didn't care. Being there is not about the money it is about spending time with a group of guys that for one night a month I can take my mind off of the rest of my life. Coming together, playing a game, and having a fun night.

Kyle got me a glass of water and I sat in the far corner of the room for what felt like an eternity, it couldn't have been more than 30 minutes but to me felt like forever. During this time I heard things from the table "does he take long breaks from tournaments" "is this normal to have someone get up and cash out in the middle of a game" "mental health issues"... this started to be a blur. Both Kyle and Eric got up separately to check if I was okay, both times I just said the basic "life sucks." With Eric I elaborated a little more that I just would like to assisted suicide by creatures in the woods. This was uncalled for, he was asking if I was okay and I dropped the "I want to go die in the Alaskan wilderness" line on him. (Note I would never take my own life, to much of my belief system says that is a big no no)

Edit (addition): after the 30 minutes in the corner I got up and left. I drove home (probably should not have been driving) and told my wife who was still awake what had happened.

It doesnt help that I miss having friends, my friends are my wife, my dogs, and my cat. I occasionally speak to my uncle and my cousin that are my friends as well but they are so far away I rarely see them and when I rarely see people I don't talk to them on the phone. I'm not a phone person, I will text from time to time, but I tend to get the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset on things.

All I can hope to think now is that it didn't look as bad from their perspective as it did from mine.

This is a sad existence I have and I let some random group of guys (some of which I would call friends, but I don't know maybe that is too far) see me at my worst.

TL;DR: I ate 2 edibles on my way to a poker game. Heard the word "paranoid." Had a mental breakdown in the middle of a poker game with 9 other guys. Now I don't know if I can ever go back because it was bad.

Edit: added the short end to my night where I drove home and probably shouldn't have.