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TIFUpate: allowing my coworker to set me up

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TIFU by reading my wife's journal

I'll start this by saying I know I shouldn't have invaded her privacy like that. My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years and married for a year. She was journaling last night and must have been reading old pages from just before we met and was complaining about a fling she had who didn't wanna date her because she isn't Christian. I vaguely remember her mentioning some asshole neighbor she hooked up with early in dating but he never came up again until last night. She was still asleep when I got up and her journal was sitting open on our coffee table. Curiosity got the best of this cat. Now I'm haunted by what I've read. It was pretty clear that our first night together was definitely a rebound and that she was still very much into this guy. She even writes that the night was fun but she doesn't want to date me in case XX (the guy) wanted to be with her. I read some earlier posts and they just got worse she had details of their sexual encounters even saying he was the best sex she ever had. This hurt a little because early in our relationship she told me I was the first guy who actually made her orgasm. She's bisexual and was 19 when we first met so I actually believed her. (I know I'm an idiot 🤣) Reading through the journals after we started seeing each other I realized she never wrote anything about sex with me. It also seems the first few months we were together she was still seeing him. (This is before we made things "official" so she wasn't cheating). During that time I turned down several advances because I really liked her and thought we were exclusive (again I'm not upset about that as we hadn't talked about it.) I've always been pretty shy around the ladies, but being with her gave me alot more confidence and I found women seemed to be a lot more interested in me. I've always regretted all the chances I never took before we were together and reading her journal is making me wonder what could have been. I'm really happy and love her with everything i am but can't shake the feeling that I was her fallback or "safe" option. I know this was 10 years ago and we have grown and gone through so much together, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

TL;DR I read my wife's journal and realized I was probably her "safe" option and now I can't get the images of her having "the best sex of her life" with someone else out of my head.

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