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TIFU by seducing my wife after watching a documentary

Sunday morning. Shitty weather outside. As the benevolent and gracious husband I am, I let my wife sleep in and got up early with the kids.

A while later after watching about one million episodes of Paw Patrol (for the millionth time), I convinced the kids that we should switch it up and learn something. So on goes the nature documentary, and we’re all excited to watch grizzlies eating salmon, lions ambushing wildebeest and so on. Good times.

But therein lies the problem. These animals were having a REALLY good time (aside from the ones that were eaten, presumably, unless they’re exceptionally kinky). They were fucking all over the place, and Sir Dave Attenborough’s calm and clear voiceover really put the mood on it. So after watching a bunch of salmon getting busy and some really horny lions going at it like twenty times in a row (the dude lion lasts almost as short as me), I could sense certain… urges brewing in my nether regions.

Now to be clear, it’s not like I wanted to fuck the animals. I wasn’t sitting there seeing some grim faced salmon inseminating an entire lake of salmon ladies and wishing I could be there to fuck them. I don’t find fish sexy. I’m not a dolphin. But seeing these animals fulfilling their life’s purpose with such determination and vigor really resonated. It wasn’t just me, the kids were engrossed too. But not for the same reason, I think (I hope).

Channeling my inner alpha beast overflowing with urges, I did the only logical thing: I tiptoed to the bedroom and carefully opened the door to investigate whether there was any hope of initiating mating rituals. Loud snoring and the occasional fart indicated this was not currently on the agenda of my wife.

But if the salmon can stop eating for like 8 weeks, struggle up endless waterfalls just to get a chance at sexing, and then die immediately after, I should be able to wait for 20 minutes. At least I’d give it a try. So I went back to the living room just in time to see some jungle monkeys having a gangbang, going at it from all sorts of angles and positions. It was like a hyper athletic Swinger’s Club. It sent my libido into hyperdrive.

8 minutes later, after what seemed like an eternity, my wife appeared. No time to waste, so to romance her I described in detail how all the kids were fed and the kitchen had been meticulously cleaned (I had put away the dishes and wiped the countertop). I could tell by her acknowledging grunts my seduction was working. I poured her a cup of coffee, handed it over with an awkward, lower-body-dominant hug (I’m also somewhat of a contortionist), at which point she uttered her first words (of the day, not her life; she is an adult): “I need some hot cream”. I was ready to explode.

In hindsight I think she probably meant cream for her coffee, but my brain had already stopped listening at that point so I can’t be sure. Anyway, I executed the final steps of my master plan:

  1. Grabbed her hand in an assertive manner.
  2. Proclaimed we were going to the bedroom with immediate effect.
  3. (Feebly awaited her approval on step #2 - she nodded in agreement).
  4. Announced to the kids that they could watch whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t move out of the living room.
  5. Marched to the bedroom with tremendous haste.

We got to the Place Where Magic Occasionally Happens, at this point we’re both relatively aroused (I was about to go supernova and she was awake, so on average I’d say we were pretty horny), and she enquired with tempered excitement what was the source of my exuberance. This is where the fuckup happened.

Now I could have said a lot of different things which would’ve probably worked in my favor. For example, I could have said “you’re so beautiful I can’t think straight” or “I spent the morning with our beautiful family and just love you so much”, or simply “I’m horny”. I’m pretty sure all of those would seal the deal. But I was in action mode and unfortunately my brain was suffering from limited resource allocation, so I blurted out “I saw the monkey getting fucked and it made me think of you!” She seemed puzzled, so I doubled down with “I want fuck like monkey do!” in an uncharacteristic (?) caveman-style manner.

She was not amused. Mission was aborted, and I had to resort to Plan B (which, for the record, did not involve any animals other than a snake in a chokehold).

TL;DR Watched wildlife documentary, got horny, tried to seduce my wife by telling her she reminds me of a monkey.

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