Skip to main content

TIFU by seducing my wife after watching a documentary

Sunday morning. Shitty weather outside. As the benevolent and gracious husband I am, I let my wife sleep in and got up early with the kids.

A while later after watching about one million episodes of Paw Patrol (for the millionth time), I convinced the kids that we should switch it up and learn something. So on goes the nature documentary, and we’re all excited to watch grizzlies eating salmon, lions ambushing wildebeest and so on. Good times.

But therein lies the problem. These animals were having a REALLY good time (aside from the ones that were eaten, presumably, unless they’re exceptionally kinky). They were fucking all over the place, and Sir Dave Attenborough’s calm and clear voiceover really put the mood on it. So after watching a bunch of salmon getting busy and some really horny lions going at it like twenty times in a row (the dude lion lasts almost as short as me), I could sense certain… urges brewing in my nether regions.

Now to be clear, it’s not like I wanted to fuck the animals. I wasn’t sitting there seeing some grim faced salmon inseminating an entire lake of salmon ladies and wishing I could be there to fuck them. I don’t find fish sexy. I’m not a dolphin. But seeing these animals fulfilling their life’s purpose with such determination and vigor really resonated. It wasn’t just me, the kids were engrossed too. But not for the same reason, I think (I hope).

Channeling my inner alpha beast overflowing with urges, I did the only logical thing: I tiptoed to the bedroom and carefully opened the door to investigate whether there was any hope of initiating mating rituals. Loud snoring and the occasional fart indicated this was not currently on the agenda of my wife.

But if the salmon can stop eating for like 8 weeks, struggle up endless waterfalls just to get a chance at sexing, and then die immediately after, I should be able to wait for 20 minutes. At least I’d give it a try. So I went back to the living room just in time to see some jungle monkeys having a gangbang, going at it from all sorts of angles and positions. It was like a hyper athletic Swinger’s Club. It sent my libido into hyperdrive.

8 minutes later, after what seemed like an eternity, my wife appeared. No time to waste, so to romance her I described in detail how all the kids were fed and the kitchen had been meticulously cleaned (I had put away the dishes and wiped the countertop). I could tell by her acknowledging grunts my seduction was working. I poured her a cup of coffee, handed it over with an awkward, lower-body-dominant hug (I’m also somewhat of a contortionist), at which point she uttered her first words (of the day, not her life; she is an adult): “I need some hot cream”. I was ready to explode.

In hindsight I think she probably meant cream for her coffee, but my brain had already stopped listening at that point so I can’t be sure. Anyway, I executed the final steps of my master plan:

  1. Grabbed her hand in an assertive manner.
  2. Proclaimed we were going to the bedroom with immediate effect.
  3. (Feebly awaited her approval on step #2 - she nodded in agreement).
  4. Announced to the kids that they could watch whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t move out of the living room.
  5. Marched to the bedroom with tremendous haste.

We got to the Place Where Magic Occasionally Happens, at this point we’re both relatively aroused (I was about to go supernova and she was awake, so on average I’d say we were pretty horny), and she enquired with tempered excitement what was the source of my exuberance. This is where the fuckup happened.

Now I could have said a lot of different things which would’ve probably worked in my favor. For example, I could have said “you’re so beautiful I can’t think straight” or “I spent the morning with our beautiful family and just love you so much”, or simply “I’m horny”. I’m pretty sure all of those would seal the deal. But I was in action mode and unfortunately my brain was suffering from limited resource allocation, so I blurted out “I saw the monkey getting fucked and it made me think of you!” She seemed puzzled, so I doubled down with “I want fuck like monkey do!” in an uncharacteristic (?) caveman-style manner.

She was not amused. Mission was aborted, and I had to resort to Plan B (which, for the record, did not involve any animals other than a snake in a chokehold).

TL;DR Watched wildlife documentary, got horny, tried to seduce my wife by telling her she reminds me of a monkey.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU by forgetting my purse and attempting to get fuel

Not the craziest story but hey. I'm obligated to say this was a few months ago but I cringe every time I go past the petrol station . My petrol was getting low, not dangerously so but it said 27 miles left, (oftentimes it then suddenly drops to about 16 for example, and then 5 and then 0 very fast) I didnt have my purse on me as I just didn't need it... Picked my daughter up from school and then went on to collect my 2 stepdaughters from across town and then set off for home. En route the gauge went to 7 and then suddenly it was 1 so I stopped at the petrol station near our house. The petrol was on 0 as i pulled up to the pump and that's when I realised I had no money. I left the kids in the car at the pump and went in to talk to the cashier, it wasn't mega busy but there was a queue, I'd heard that they can help you if you can't pay for fuel. Like keeping something of yours as security. It was an elderly man and he basically refused to help. At this point i...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more