TIFU by accidentally making a sticky bomb and chemical warfare instead of frozen yogurt

So, my wife had surgery on Thursday. Nothing major, but she's going to be sore for a couple of days and not be able to use any abdominal muscles from the incisions. Being handy in the kitchen, I wanted to make some foods for her that were a bit "extra." Her first meal after getting out of the hospital was a stuffed onion ring burger with loaded mashed potatoes.

Like I said, I'm being extra. It's a whole thing.

I had this idea for a lemon-honey froyo that I was excited to make for her. It's about 9am at this point, and I was tired of doom-scrolling on my phone in bed and decided to get up to make this dish. I knew she was going to be out for a while, because the anesthesia hangover is a hell of a thing.

Grab my keys, run to the store, grab Meyer lemons, Greek yogurt, and honey. Head home, grab the juicer, and produced WAY too much lemon juice. See, I know I can't use all this lemon juice, so I put it in a pot and crank the heat to reduce it. I bought some pH strips to see how acidic the mixture is, because I know that I can't mix straight lemon juice and yogurt without curdling.

I take a strip, dunk it down, and mutter to myself "yeah that's pretty red." I simmer the juice for 45 minutes until I'm left with a dark yellow sludge. I take the pH strip, dunk it, and it comes out BRIGHT red, indicating that it's gotten more acidic while concentrating.

Here's the fuck up.

I've neutralized acids before, and I always use baking soda. So, I poured the hot lemon juice into a blender cup, added honey, and baking soda. I initiated the blending for three seconds, and then took it off.

I go to unscrew the cap, and it's NOT coming off. I'm putting my full weight into this thing, and it's not budging. This is a first.

I'm weighing my options, and bring the blender cup to my face to look at the contents.

Bubbles. Like... A lot of bubbles. Too many bubbles.

Chef you ignorant slut; you've just mixed baking soda and vinegar like a grade school volcano.

I realize what's in my hand, and decide that if this thing is going to happen, it's better that it happen outside. So, I start running to the sliding door. I make it about three steps, and...

Pop.

Now, I say "pop," but realistically it was more of a gunshot sound. The shock is starting to set in a bit. My hand is numb, and my first thought is that "oh God I've lost my hand." I looked down, we're good to go; hand is there, if not INCREDIBLY painful.

That's when I start looking around.

There's caustic lemon sticky sludge EVERYWHERE. The blast zone on the floor is incredible, and the force with which the blender cup exploded left a large divot in the flooring. Everything is covered. The walls are covered. The CEILING is covered. I'm covered.

Wonderful.

Wasting no time, I know that it's gotta get clean. First and foremost, I'm not working in sticky clothes, so I throw my shirt and pants into the wash, and put on some flip flops. To make this context even better, I'm wearing boxers with little cartoon bats on them. This becomes important.

Assessing the situation, this looks like a job for bleach! I grab my Clorox and begin spraying. Spraying. Srprsjsg. Sdjfbnfj. Why am I woozy?

Oh, is that because I just made chloramine gas by combining bleach and whatever the hell mix I have?

Apparently.

So now I'm light headed and it hurts to breathe. This is the exact second when my cat runs out RIGHT through ground zero and gets bleach and sludge on her paws. I scuffed her, took her to the bathroom, ran some water, and washed her paws. She's only a year old, so she's not too familiar with this water business, and proceeds to flip and absolutel bitch. I now have claw marks down my chest with a decent amount of bleeding. But, she's contained, and I consider this a win. I leave her in the bathroom and close the door.

The only option I have to protect myself is a neck gaiter that I have from the video game Dishonored 2, and a pair of swimming goggles. But, honestly, most of the gas has left since all of the windows are open.

I start scrubbing, and then break out the steam mop. Unfortunately, as I would learn in hindsight, all this literally did was stretch out the honey to a thin film across the entirety of my house. So all of the floors were sticky. But, at least they look clean?

I cleaned the walls, and broke out the ladder to get to the ceiling.

This is the moment my wife walks out of the bedroom.

So, post-surgery 14-hour sleep, this is what she sees: her husband in bat-boxers standing on a ladder in the kitchen wearing flip-flops, goggles, a neck scarf, holding a bottle of bleach and a sponge, blood on the chest, and a cowlick in the hair from the sludge.

I yelled "I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING."

TL;DR tried to make frozen yogurt, ended up making a chemical reaction explosion that coated a 20' radius blast zone, and made poorer choices in cleaning up that lead to toxic gas, blood, and a very confused wife.