TIFU by eating dairy before an important work meeting

This one is a little gross so if you’re easily disgusted I suggest you avoid the details and read the TL;DR at the bottom

I had an important meeting at work today. One of the departments we work closely with got a new director and some of my colleagues and I were scheduled to meet with her to discuss current operating procedures and any areas we would like to see improvement on. This was crucial for us as our success partially rides on our relationship with this department and the better we have it with the director, the better we do. The last director didn’t like us a lot so we were hoping to use this meeting to start off on the right foot and get in her good graces.

3 Hours Until Meeting

Around noon, I leave my office and I go down to the employee dining room for lunch. I’m quickly glancing over what they have today and it’s some fish, rice, and vegetables mainly. Now we live over 2 hours from an ocean and I don’t want to eat fish that’s been shipped so far and is currently sitting under a heat lamp. So I decide I’m just gonna make a turkey sandwich. I go to the sandwich area and I pass another section of food that has chicken, rice, and mac and cheese. I love me some mac and cheese, and mac and cheese is one of the few things the dining room manages to get right. Now I should preface this by saying I’ve been lactose intolerant since my early 20s, but I take a Lactaid pill daily to try to help mitigate the symptoms that come after. On top of that, I also had some anti-diarrheal medicine on hand as that is mainly what happens when I eat dairy, I can’t stop crapping sometimes to the point my stomach cramps up and it’s really painful.

So I think, eh I have three hours to my meeting, I’ve taken my pill, I have backup, and the mac and cheese doesn’t get me that bad so I’m good. I put a decent sized scoop on my plate and make a sandwich and go eat. As I’m eating I take 1 anti-diarrheal pill, a half dose, to stop anything that may be coming. I enjoy the rest of my meal and leave the dining area. I start walking back upstairs to my office and feeling great. I sit down and I go back to work and all is fine for an hour and a half.

1.5 Hours Until Meeting

My stomach starts turning but nothing crazy. I take the last half dose of the antidiarrheal medicine, I keep working and don’t pay attention to it.

1 Hour Until Meeting

Stomach starts turning more and more. Getting a little gassy and starts to hurt a bit.

45 Minutes Until Meeting

My stomach is turning something fierce. It’s like Vesuvius is bubbling up in my gut and the only thing holding it in is my rectum. I start to head to the bathroom, maybe 50 steps from my desk. I get in the bathroom and before I’m even in a stall I can feel it coming. I hurriedly get in, get my pants down, and no sooner do I sit down before my butt starts blasting chocolate syrup out like a Super Soaker. This is not good. It keeps coming and coming and my stomach is cramping and I’m in so much pain. I try to distract myself by focusing on the music playing in my headphones but my stomach feels like it’s in a vice and my butt feels like it’s on fire from all the lava flowing out. It’s pretty steady for 10 minutes or so. By the time the first round is done, my stomach hurts, there’s sweat on my forehead, and tears are starting to form in my eyes. I reach for the toilet paper and lo and behold, the roll is nearly empty. There’s only enough for a single wipe.

No sooner do I realize that, than the bell dings and round two starts. The pain starts all over again. Now I’ve never given birth, but it feels like I’m giving birth in this bathroom to an unholy demon baby made of feces. My eyes start watering more, I’m really starting to sweat now. I manage to find a moment of reprieve and check my phone, my meeting starts in 20 minutes. Finally, round two ends and I’m relieved because I honestly feel like I have nothing left in my body. My relief quickly turns to panic as I remember there’s no toilet paper. I use what’s left on the roll for the first pass and get a decent amount off but I can tell there’s still some on there. Without any options I resign myself to using the protective seat covers. They’re not soft by any definition of the word and they shred my already abused butthole to pieces. It stings like when you have a paper cut and you use hand sanitizer. I manage to get clean down there and leave the crime scene behind me. I thoroughly wash my hands and check my phone, I only have 10 minutes until the meeting. I brace myself and gingerly walk to what is going to be the most excruciatingly painful meeting of my life.

TL;DR: I’m lactose intolerant and ate dairy before an important work meeting. Proceeded to spend roughly 35 minutes crapping my guts out and realized there’s not enough toilet paper. Resorted to using the protective toilet liners. It still hurts.