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TIFU because I’ve been mad at my sister for a long time

Hello everyone, I just really need to just type my thoughts away. And because I fucked up I thought this subreddit would fit best.

So I (19M) have a half-sister (26F) from my dad’s side who has borderline personality disorder. When I was around 15 she did a few things that deeply hurt my feelings. She lied to my mom and told her all sorts of false things about me. I don’t know why but I never was able to let it go. I saw her manipulate people I love around me and just tried to get attention whenever someone in my family wanted to share their success. I had thought about cutting her off a few times but never did because my family invites her to events. (I also want to quickly add that she hangs out with the family from my mom’s side, which isn’t her biologically family. Also important to note that my mom became her stepmother when my sister was 2 years old.) So yesterday I turned 19. And we had a small conversation via text. I was pretty cold towards her because I just didn’t want to speak to her. And today she send me a long message where she told me she’s done trying to stay in contact with me because she’s the only one putting in effort. She said she loved me but just feels hurt every time she interacts with me. And then it all hit me. I do want contact with her. I love my sister. And I fucked up big time. I’ve been crying for 1 hour straight being mad at myself. How could I be so cruel and horrible? I’m so mad at myself. My mom has been trying to console me, but I don’t want that. I don’t deserve that. I’ve texted her that I wanted to meet up so we could talk. She said she doesn’t want to call but that I’m welcome to come over. I’m going to try to go to her tomorrow and say that I fucked up. I don’t expect her to forgive me, but I hope we can start building a relationship again.

TL;DR I’ve been mad at my sister and now she doesn’t want to put energy into our relationship anymore, because of that I’ve realised I do want to have contact with her.

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