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TIFU Because my pattern just found out about my weird verbal tic

I (39 M) want to preface this with the fact that I've NEVER harmed anyone nor do I have any intentions to do so. With that in mind, here's what just happened. For decades, at this point, I have been telling myself (silently most times) that "I'm going to unalive you" to thoughts that won't leave my brain.

It's always directed at things I'm privately embarrassed about and never a person that's not myself. For example random time when I got pranked in middle school to make it look like i peed myself that just won't go away? "I'm going to unalive you." That time I sneezed so hard I sharted in the middle of talking to a girl I was crushing on and her friend who witnessed the whole thing told everybody about i? "I'm going to unalive you."

Well today my lovely concoction of horribly put together thought meat decided to allow my partner (35 F), whom I've been with for 8 years to finally stumble upon my weird habit, that I've been keeping locked up tighter than Fort fucking Knox, in the worst possible timing.

Earlier, we got into an argument (it was my fault). Hours later, after the argument was resolved and going to a friend's housewarming party, we get home sometime after midnight and we talked about things. It was a GOOD conversation and I genuinely can't stress that enough. Another important detail is that I have long hair and regularly keep it in a bun more on that soon. We wrap up our convo, I take the dogs out for the night, and I fell asleep on the couch scrolling through my phone, an often occurrence. I decided to head to bed. I was struggling with getting my hair tie out in the darkness of a room at 6 am, when the thought of my friend asking me to demonstrate a kick I learned in taekwondo and everybody in visible range laughed at me. But instead of staying in a thought bubble, like it normally does, it comes out of my mouth... with her... in bed... 5 feet away from me... next to our dresser where we keep a 🔫 for home defense. She snaps awake, obviously uncomfortable and asks me what I said. I explained to her why I do that but something that weird is just plain unbelievable so I'm sitting here flipping between freaking out and looking like I'm something I'm not whilst trying to figure out how to un-fuck this situation.

TL;DR My partner just found out that I tell my brain that I'm going to inflict harm on embarrassing memories at 6 AM and thinks I was threatening her

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