TIFU by telling a guy I had feelings for him.

For context, I was married to someone for two years but together for eight years total and most of all, I was unhappy. The marriage was over way before I realized my feelings for another man (still in the process of divorce). It’s just that there was nothing but constant arguing and fights over small things. He was always demanding respect and attention and wasn’t always great on returning any of that. He constantly prioritized his friends (which isn’t necessarily bad but it’s not what I wanted in our relationship). Finally I felt like the negativity and bitterness started adding up and I realized that I didn’t want this in a long term relationship. I didn’t know what I wanted but it wasn’t this. I don’t feel like I ever had the chance to explore what I really wanted in a relationship because I never gave myself the chance. I just threw myself at the first guy who took interest (low self esteem) and it hasn’t paid off. It felt like our relationship was a sunk cost fallacy where I just invested so much time and energy and stayed with this one guy because I thought we would be together forever and grow as individuals, but that never happened with him. Sure we grew a little bit but there are still behaviors and qualities that I feel he never grew out of and it felt like he was unwilling to change these behaviors. Like for instance, I told him was tired of him getting angry whenever I brought up a concern. It made me feel like my feelings were invalid and that nothing I said mattered. There are many concepts I value in a relationship that I would never go against. I believe in remaining loyal. I believe in the sanctity of marriage between two people. When we first met, I was deeply religious. I was raised catholic and was proud of my beliefs. In tough times, God got me through it all. After we started dating, he convinced me that none of that was real and that it’s all a lie. It felt like telling a kid that Santa doesn’t exist. I was naive and believed him and began leaning more towards agnostic after this.

Enter N. N and I started out as nothing but friends. Nothing else ever. I never acted in any way beyond what I thought was plutonic. I have previously formed many plutonic relationships with guys without issue but I began to notice that things were different with N. I started noticing how much time we spent talking and how much we had in common. We were equally weird, socially awkward and had similar humor. N paid attention to little details about myself that even I would forget about. I grew really fond of his company and the things we talked about. I felt like I could tell him anything without fear or judgment. He was really good at reassuring me whenever I was worried about something. He offered to talk when my uncle passed away. He complemented my singing skills at karaoke. Most of all, he listened whenever I needed to vent. We both had similar self esteem issues (body image, feeling stupid) Whenever I apologized too much (which was often) he reassured me that I didn’t have to apologize for every little thing I did wrong. He is also deeply religious. He puts God above all and I never realized how much I would appreciate that about him. In many ways, I saw so much of myself in him back when I was religious. He was so fully of hope and optimism whenever he talked about it. I told him I was still on the fence about religion but that’s mostly due to the influence I felt my husband had. When N talked about Christianity and about God though, I felt like something revived inside me. He made me realize that religion is nothing to be ashamed of and that God loves everyone despite their flaws. Everything he said about religion (despite my on hesitation) made sense.

It was around this time that I began to recognize that I had feelings for N. Nothing dramatic. Just that I was fond of him, his company and that he had specific qualities that I knew I wanted in a relationship. N knew I was already married but also knew that I was unhappy because I would confide in him some issues I was having in my marriage. Mostly because I needed to vent my frustrations.

And here’s where I fucked up. N was the only one I knew who went to a church. It wasn’t Catholic and I didn’t really realize till then that only Catholic Churches did confession. I went anyways thinking I could just talk to the priest after church to confess having feelings for N despite still being married. But after church, N told me he had to drop something off at a friend’s house and the priest was already talking with some people. I ended up just telling him after church in the car. The drive was short so I didn’t really get to say everything. I just told him I had feelings for him. I honestly thought he would respond with more indifference than he did. He then told me that he had a crush on me initially. I’m not sure what changed but it didn’t really matter. Honestly I wasn’t even thinking anything would come of it. I had no intention to act on my feelings for him, nor did I think he had a crush on me. I was also absolutely fine with just being friends. I wanted to tell him that the qualities I saw in him were things I wanted in my own relationship and that it didn’t have to be with him necessarily. I just wanted to let him know that I appreciated specific qualities about him. He helped me realize things I wanted in a man in my future relationships. I never got the chance to explain that bit to him. Now if feels like something has changed. Later on I asked him if we could talk more so that I could further explain what I meant but he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me anymore. N said that I put him in a difficult, uncomfortable and compromising situation. His response felt vague and he didn’t elaborate on what he meant. I told him I would respect his wishes and not discuss anything further. I told him I would leave him alone and that I wouldn’t talk to him unless he specifically told he me was comfortable with that. Since then I’ve just been having all these negative assumptions about myself and about what he thinks and while I know it’s unhealthy to think that way, I can’t help it. I care too much about him and i thought that the friendship was still salvageable. Now I feel like a creep for sharing my feelings. I feel like I really fucked up.

TL; DR: I told a guy I trusted that I developed feelings for him and ruined a friendship.