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TIFU by telling my crush I liked him.

This was a while ago, but I just remembered that this subreddit existed. It's also a little silly, but maybe you'll get a laugh over it.

So I (17M) am gay and in a rural area with a super high religious population. In my school of 600ish people, the only gay ones are only out to friends if they're out at all, so I'm the only one I know. Additionally, I was raised Christian with a decent helping of homophobia, so despite the mountains of progress I've made I'm still lacking a lot of self-confidence. Also, relevantly, I love music and am in a bunch of music classes. I've been out for less than a year at this point, and before that I wasn't even out to myself. I absolutely refused to admit that I was gay, because that would royally screw up my cute little Christian life plans. I convinced myself that I really just wasn't all that interested in dating in high school, and that I would just start it in college. Through therapy I finally got over that, and now I'm out and pretty comfortable with it and my plans to date and eventually find a man to marry and adopt children with. Still cute little life plans, just not very Christian lol.

So this guy is my age and in more music classes than I am, and he's a huge nerd about it. I happen to find that adorable. We used to be much better friends but drifted apart a little bit. We both made it to State Solo Festival in our state, and that year it was all the way across the state, a ten+ hour drive. He had a lot of his percussionist friends on the bus with him, so I honestly don't know why he chose to sit next to me for the whole bus ride, but he did. This is about when I really realized that I liked him. I don't like touching people as a rule. It makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I'll give or receive a hug but most of the time I redirect it into a fist-bump or something. Sitting next to this guy had me realize that he's apparently the one person I've ever met that I don't actually mind touching. So I guess it doesn't bother me if I'm romantically attracted to them?

Anyway we finished that trip (Which involved me sleeping next to him in a hotel bed because that's how it ended up. He sleeps shirtless. Yeah I had a lot of trouble falling asleep) and the school year eventually ended and I didn't see him all summer. Then the new school year started and we're both seniors, and by this point I've made peace with my sexuality. My crush just kept getting worse until it was emotionally painful to spend time around him. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and texted him (Yes, I know, I'm a coward). That turned out to be way more painful because it was a Sunday afternoon and he never texted me back, so I was agonizing about it all evening, it kept me up at night, and the next morning was awful. So I go to school and avoid him as long as I can, and then he walks up to me in first period and simply asks "Did it feel nice to get that off your chest?" At the time, NO, but once he said something it did help. It was the kindest rejection I think I'm likely ever to receive, but it was still a rejection and it did hurt. I went through all the stages, including depression and confidence issues. I have a couple of friends who despite being religious are still in my corner about these things, and I feel kind of sorry for them because they had to listen to all of that for a few hours. Those feelings still haven't totally gone away (I've heard that moving on helps, but who exactly do I have to move on to?) but it has gotten less painful. I kind of get the impression that he'd still like to be friends, but being around him is still a little bit painful, though I try to hide it as best as possible.

He never said he was straight. I still wonder sometimes...

So there's my cringe story of first crush and first rejection. Hope you enjoyed :)

TL;DR: I told my crush I liked him and got the kindest rejection ever in return.

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