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TIFU for being a neurodivergent

I (21) am a university student, I struggle with a lot of trauma which made me honestly a shitty person for that and I acknowledge my badness and I won't be saying I'm not wrong in this. For introduction, I'm not American nor live in the west and my country's medical care is flawed, and it's hard for me to find eligible therapist that won't sent me into conversion therapy bc I'm also queer and my country is homophobic+sexual trauma(especially hypersexualism) something that is frown upon in my country. Which by that I'm self-diagnosed but I have extensive research of the disorders I might've had, just don't have the proper resources to get diagnosed and I want to be diagnosed it's just unfortunate that if I ever did my life would be in so much danger than it is now. I'm not going to specified the disorder I might've had bc all of those disorders are pretty infamous to the internet bc of people spreading the misinformation.

So, the reason I fucked up today is my neurodivergency tendencies hurt my now ex-friend. They confronted me yesterday and said the list they made of my bad traits (that I fully aware of and o thought they understand me which one of the reason I dropped my masked around them).

First disclaimer: I acknowledge these bad traits of mine, but I also can't control it unless I don't drop my mask and acted like a robot, which this lead of people bullying me in the past. I talked to my best friend last night and she said I should acted more npc and don't drop my mask.

The lists are in my language and is too long since they're just repeating same point every 2 lines. So here it goes:

1) I'm too loud and I liked to swear and it's embarassing them, and i'm the reason why our classmates are drifted away from us. -I can't control my voice because that's how I talk and I didn't know when i'm too loud, they could've ask me to tone down my voice bc my other friends always did that to me and I soon talk lower. The reason why I swear a lot is because I want to claim autonomy of my lips since people in my past including family always dictated my talk and made me talk properly, and if I don't they will start gaslighting me.

2) I like to talk down of their achievement. -I don't understand what they meant by this since I am very impressed with their achievement. One of them were game developer ok roblox since she was 14, why wouldn't I'm impress with it? Maybe it's my tone, and my not over the top reaction that they think I wasn't genuine for that. I mean one of them published books, and she got only one time payment, so I said it's not fair and she should get it by loyalty and somehow she think i'm downgrading her achievement when I was saying she deserved better. Again, maybe it's my tone since sometimes the way I talk and communicate is very monotone and rude.

3) i'm to serious, take everything literally and debate over it, then I will said, "yeah you were right, I am wrong." and move on -… I have issue with communication and social cues. I'm aware of it but sometimes it slipped through and I won't notice it unless people said to my face. They don't do that instead they kept it, I mean my other friends used to say what they feel to my face so that I realized what I was doing. Then yeah whenever I feel like debating is a dead-end to them because they're thickhead, I will said they're right bc I recoiled back and want them to feel the satisfaction of it because I thought people want that????

4) I dictated group assignment and did it half way through while if I do it with other group, I did great. -I thought I was helping. I asked them what to do, what to put into the assignment so I can put the needs into gdrive and make it easier. I'm not dictating but I was trying to help and they mistook my intention. They're mad because I don't help to do those assignment when I did half of the work and they don't even recheck what I wrote when I ASKED THEM TO DO SO MULTIPLE TIME AND THEY IGNORED ME. Plus, I don't do better in other assignment with other group, they did their part best and I'm just helping a little just a tiny bit nd they assumed I did all the work.

5) Whenever i upset, I will ignore them and then become okay after and acted like I never ignored them -I thought they don't care about my feeling because they didn't even ask me why I was upset but they expected me to care about theirs. I was dealing with something when this semester started and got a brainfog and become more easily irritated by something. They made me upset by ignoring me when I asked questions and so I recoiled. I have selective mutism which means even if I wanted to talk, I can't do that since I physically can't communicate whenever I got triggered by something and in thid case, people ignoring me when I need a guidance.

Tbh I don't remember what they said anymore but I don't want to check the list they sent to me but easy to say, they dumpef me because of this.

Ik i'm wrong and I don't deny it but imo, they can just not keep it to themselves and tell me before this become too much to handle. I'm an asshole yeah, and I need to bare being alone for another two years or so since we're in degree. But tbh, it's not a lost at all since they're shitty as well. So i'm not that hurt just shocked.

TL;DR: my ex-friend dumped and all their reason is related to me misunderstanding social cues that I can't avoid because i'm a neurodivergent. I acknowledge i'm a bitch but I wish they communicate better than this.

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