TIFU at Work While Dealing with Crohn’s and My Own Stupidity

So, I’ve recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, which means my intestines have decided to permanently operate in hard mode. Flare-ups are unpredictable, painful, and tend to strike at the absolute worst times. To make things even better, I’ve been back in the office twice a week for the past six months or so, which is a fantastic setting for digestive disasters.

Now, let’s talk about my earbuds.

I’ve had these Samsung earbuds for about two years now, but I never liked wearing them because they never felt comfortable. So they sat in a drawer unused. A few months ago, my parents recommended some super cheap no-name brand that miraculously fit perfectly. I used those instead—until one of our cats stole them. They're gone. Vanished into the feline void.

So, I was back to my "good" Samsung earbuds, aka the ones that always felt uncomfortable and I had to adjust. Which, as I would later discover, was my fault. But we’ll get to that.

Last week, I was at the office in the morning when my stomach announced it was go-time. I rushed to the office bathroom, locked myself in the giant handicap(able) stall, and braced for impact. After an aggressively unpleasant session and waiting for the stall next to me to be empty, I got to cleaning the mess. I stood up after wiping—and that’s when my right earbud decided it had suffered enough.

It fell.

Honestly I think it may have jumped.

I didn't even see it fall. I just felt it go out and then heard it land, with a plop… right into the toilet.

And not just any toilet. The war crime of a toilet I had just created.

I was absolutely horrified. I turned around so I could see, because we have to look, right? That’s when I saw it. The earbud was floating. On a giant turd. Literally ON a giant turd. Like some kind of grotesque first-class passenger on the S.S. Oh God No.

And then? Disaster doubled down.

As I stood there looking down and trying to figure out what the actually do here, my glasses slipped off my nose, hit the edge of the toilet, and landed on the floor in front of me. Fuck me, right?

I closed my eyes. Took several deep breaths. Good LORD, it smelled bad.

Of course, my jeans and underwear are still around my ankles. So when I instinctively stepped to grab my glasses, my left foot came down directly on the left lens. Crunch.

I just stood there, pants down, soul shattered. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Come on. So, I bent down, to pick up my mangled glasses. And at that exact moment—

Ploop.

My other earbud fell straight into the toilet.

I was done. The Sicilian in me wanted to burn the entire fucking building down. There was absolutely no way I was reaching into that cesspool to get both earbuds. Let alone EVER putting them in my EARS again. Yeah, fuck that. I stood there feeling like Ralphie. Should I make up some lie about an icicle? That doesn't work in Florida in March. So much for being able to actually READ anything to rest of the day too. I ended up having to leave the office early to go home and get an old pair of glasses I still have.

I pulled up my pants, flushed my dignity away, and walked out of that bathroom a broken man.

Fast forward to yesterday. After mourning my lost earbuds for a week, I finally ordered a new pair. When they arrived, I was testing them out, telling my wife how they still didn't feel comfortable.

She looked at me with the casual confidence of someone who is absolutely certain of something and just said, "You know you’re wearing them upside, right?"

No wonder they kept falling out.

52 years old and i'm still the same idiot I was 30 years ago.

So, to summarize:

Last week, I took a Crohn’s-fueled poop at work and managed to lose both earbuds to the toilet abyss.

I also stepped on my glasses in the process.

I just found out yesterday that I had been wearing my fancy Samsung earbuds wrong. No wonder they didn’t fit.

TL;DR: Took a poop at work, lost both earbuds to the toilet gods, stepped on my glasses, and just found out a week later that I had no idea how to actually wear my earbuds for the past two years. No wonder they kept falling out.