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TIFU by completely misinterpreting my friend

This happened a week ago.

So I made a new friend, although I did know of him before. Let’s call him Jeff. I knew he existed because my ex has been friends with him since childhood, me and said ex no longer speak, but anyways that’s not important. Basically me and Jeff matched on Bumble and started talking.

During this time I’ve been in an extremely bad place mentally because I’m going through changes to my medication, which fucks you up for a while. I’ve also been very depressed and trying to sort out some past trauma so, yah, it’s been a terrible time. When me and Jeff started talking we agreed that nothing serious was going to happen because neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship.

However, Jeff wanted our situation to be sexual and I wasn’t sure what I wanted yet. We were sexual with eachother online for a few days but eventually I wanted to stop, so we agreed to just be friends. Then, the next day after that agreement is where my fuckup begins.

My silly chemically-imbalanced brain decided that I was attracted to him again and told him so. This was a completely impulsive decision and I was going kinda crazy at the time. He then sent me a photo of himself, and when I snapped out of whatever strange breakdown I was having, I had to tell him I wasn’t actually attracted to him. I let him down extremely gently. I know I was being very confusing with my intentions and I felt bad about that so I sent a long paragraph about how my meds changing has really affected me and how sorry I was about this, and how he’d find someone else much better for him than me.

The next day, he told me he didn’t want to talk anymore because I made him feel ‘disgusting’ and ‘ugly’.

Unfortunately I was having another weird emotional episode at this time and I thought he was saying that just because I didn’t give him sex he was leaving and didn’t want to be friends, so I sent him a very strongly worded message filled with things I wish I could take back. Just hurtful things. My reaction here stemmed from past trauma surrounding men and sex. I was completely consumed by my imbalanced emotional state.

He then explained to me that I had honestly just hurt his feelings and that’s why he didn’t want to talk anymore. That day was very confusing as my emotional state was all over the place, but I remember feeling very bad about what I’d said.

Now that a week has passed and my meds have evened out a little, I feel like the worst person in the world. My depression is getting worse because of what I did. I completely assumed his intentions and misinterpreted him. I just feel like an awful person and I can’t take back the things I said. I’m not sure he’ll ever speak to me again. I genuinely do miss his friendship because when I wasn’t having breakdowns we had some really good conversations.

TLDR: due to mental health issues/medication changes I said really hurtful things to a new friend when I shouldn’t have, and now I can’t take that back and he might not ever want to be my friend again. I feel awful.

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