Skip to main content

TIFU by trying to act fancy at a lobster dinner and accidentally assaulting my boss’s wife with seafood

So this happened 2 days ago and I’m still not sure if I’m employed or about to be a meme.

I’ve been working my ass off trying to land this job in a company I really admire. Like interviews, follow-ups, little “thank you” emails that took me 40 mins to write just to sound casual. Finally I get the call—I'm in. Job offer signed. They say "hey come meet the team, we’re going out for a welcome dinner."

Cool. Chill. I can do this. I’ve been dreaming of this.

We get to this really fancy seafood place. I’m trying to act like I eat here all the time even tho the fanciest thing I’ve eaten this year is microwave risotto. Everyone starts ordering lobster. Like, one after another. And I’ve never had lobster in my life but I panic and go “Yeah same, I’ll have the lobster too.”

So already, I'm in deep.

Food arrives. Everyone’s got tools. Like actual plier-things and pokey sticks and some kind of seafood guillotine. I’m tryin to play it cool, watching how other ppl do it while pretending I totally know what I’m doing. I also said no to the bib they offered me like an absolute alpha idiot.

So I go in. I’m cracking and twisting and sweating. Then I go for the big claw. I grab the cracker thing and squeeze it like I’m trying to break into a safe.

The claw EXPLODES. Not like a lil pop. Like, full-on SEAFOOD GRENADE.

This massive chunk of lobster meat FLIES out—in slow motion—and lands right in my new boss’s wife's wine glass. Merlot EVERYWHERE. It splashes up and hits her face and her white blouse and just soaks everything. Silence. Like dead, horrifying silence.

I freeze. Like I’ve just committed a seafood hate crime. I mumble “oh my god I’m so sorry” and try to dab at her blouse with a napkin which, pro tip, don’t do that. She just looks at me for like 3 seconds... then BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

Turns out she’s always hated lobster and was lowkey terrified of it the whole dinner. She said she felt like it finally “fought back.” My boss starts laughing too. Whole table joins in. I’m red as the lobster.

Next day she posts it on IG with the caption “I got clawed by Lobster Guy” and guess what… it kinda blew up. The company’s internal Slack made a welcome meme out of me with the caption “no clawbacks on this hire.”

HR sent me a lobster bib with my name on it. I start next week. Apparently I “made an impression.”

TL;DR: Tried to fit in at my first fancy work dinner, ordered lobster for the first time ever, launched a claw chunk into my boss’s wife's wine, ruined her blouse, now everyone calls me “Lobster Guy.” Still got the job. Somehow.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...
Post a Comment
Read more