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TIFU by trying to act fancy at a lobster dinner and accidentally assaulting my boss’s wife with seafood

So this happened 2 days ago and I’m still not sure if I’m employed or about to be a meme.

I’ve been working my ass off trying to land this job in a company I really admire. Like interviews, follow-ups, little “thank you” emails that took me 40 mins to write just to sound casual. Finally I get the call—I'm in. Job offer signed. They say "hey come meet the team, we’re going out for a welcome dinner."

Cool. Chill. I can do this. I’ve been dreaming of this.

We get to this really fancy seafood place. I’m trying to act like I eat here all the time even tho the fanciest thing I’ve eaten this year is microwave risotto. Everyone starts ordering lobster. Like, one after another. And I’ve never had lobster in my life but I panic and go “Yeah same, I’ll have the lobster too.”

So already, I'm in deep.

Food arrives. Everyone’s got tools. Like actual plier-things and pokey sticks and some kind of seafood guillotine. I’m tryin to play it cool, watching how other ppl do it while pretending I totally know what I’m doing. I also said no to the bib they offered me like an absolute alpha idiot.

So I go in. I’m cracking and twisting and sweating. Then I go for the big claw. I grab the cracker thing and squeeze it like I’m trying to break into a safe.

The claw EXPLODES. Not like a lil pop. Like, full-on SEAFOOD GRENADE.

This massive chunk of lobster meat FLIES out—in slow motion—and lands right in my new boss’s wife's wine glass. Merlot EVERYWHERE. It splashes up and hits her face and her white blouse and just soaks everything. Silence. Like dead, horrifying silence.

I freeze. Like I’ve just committed a seafood hate crime. I mumble “oh my god I’m so sorry” and try to dab at her blouse with a napkin which, pro tip, don’t do that. She just looks at me for like 3 seconds... then BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

Turns out she’s always hated lobster and was lowkey terrified of it the whole dinner. She said she felt like it finally “fought back.” My boss starts laughing too. Whole table joins in. I’m red as the lobster.

Next day she posts it on IG with the caption “I got clawed by Lobster Guy” and guess what… it kinda blew up. The company’s internal Slack made a welcome meme out of me with the caption “no clawbacks on this hire.”

HR sent me a lobster bib with my name on it. I start next week. Apparently I “made an impression.”

TL;DR: Tried to fit in at my first fancy work dinner, ordered lobster for the first time ever, launched a claw chunk into my boss’s wife's wine, ruined her blouse, now everyone calls me “Lobster Guy.” Still got the job. Somehow.

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