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TIFU by going on a gas station run and getting baptized in sewage

I don’t even know where to start. Last night I got a bit drunk. Not “fight the cops” drunk, more like “desperately needs canned chili at 1am” drunk. I decided to walk to the gas station because I’m responsible. Left the car (my only smart decision of the night) Also left my glasses.

I cannot stress this enough: I am blind without them. Like “guess what animal that blur is” blind. Anyway, I make it to the station, load up on cursed groceries, and begin my march home. Except I immediately realize I have zero clue where I am. No lights. No signs. Every tree looks the same. My brain is completely buffering and, as previously stated, drunk.

I step off what I thought was a path and instead discover the river. The cold, flowing, pitch-black river. I fall in, instantly lose my phone, my wallet, and my entire gas station haul. I also got bit by something in that water. Don’t know what. Don’t want to know.

So after fighting the current with my entire body and swimming for my literal life, I finally find land. I do the only logical thing: start running. (I am a woman alone at 1 am in the middle of pitch black- thank you alcohol for the confidence) I crash through briars and brush like a raccoon on a mission. I come out the other side scratched to hell, soaked, bleeding, and still lost. Took me over an hour to stumble back home with 0 snack and nothing of any importance to my name- gone with the river.

Sidenote: I found the river I fell into this AM as I went to see if luck was on my side, and my phone and belongings were caught on a branch or something (they weren’t, they’re property of whatever lake that river leads to) and the river is completely brown and filled with sewage, so I’ll be monitoring my symptoms for the foreseeable future I am traumatized and never relying on buzzed confidence again.

TL;DR: Got drunk and decided to walk to the gas station for chili at 1am. Forgot my glasses (I’m basically blind), got lost on the way back, fell into a sewage-filled river, lost my phone, wallet, and snacks, got bit by something, ran through briars like a cryptid, and finally made it home soaked, bleeding, and snackless.

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