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TIFU by making my dad cry

When i was young I was really attached to my dad, i knew he really loved me. He is fun and sweet but also strict but still I knew he loved me Due to his job he used to be away from home for weeks at that time, i use to miss him. I remember praying to god that when my dad dies he should off me too. I couldn't express this love to him out of embarrassment or whatever, and would keep asking when his holidays are and one day he scolded me asking why do I keep asking hum this and said he knows it's because he tells me to work and study.i have got anger issues but cant even get angry at him i just get teary eyed.

Now,i am 20 ngl i am pretty much a failure doing a mediocre course at a mediocre college. I have started drinking alcohol and have been thinking about my life and future. Im fat, barely have any friends, cant talk to women. I have had thoughts of offing myself again I had not discuss it with anyone out of embarrassment. Today my dad was again telling me to take responsibilities, do work and study more.He had been saying this to me everyday and had said it to me like 5-6 times today itself telling me I dont do anything I cant drive a car and stuff and then compare me to my younger cousin, saying that while he is studying out of the country I cant even do anything here. I wanted to study out of the country aswell and had indirectly asked him but knew he wouldn't let me. While he was saying this I got really angry and teary eyed again and basically broke down. Telling him everything and saying I want to off myself. I cried and hearing what I was saying he cried to me too.
All I can think now is what kind of a man makes his dad cry I feel disgusted with myself I haven't done anything to make him proud and have been a letdown all my life I dont think i can ever change I cant do this anymore

TL;DR: i brokedown and made my dad cry

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