TIFU by feeling my age after a birthday party

Something happened last weekend that really cracked me up, so I figured I’d share it here.

A few months ago, I fully quit caffeine. I used to consume anywhere from 300-400mg of it daily. I have quit for extended times before, but this time it feels different. I don’t feel like I need it and I don’t miss it at all. To add on to my straight edge era, I also hardly drink. As someone who spent their late teens and 20s well immersed in drinking culture, these last few years I’ve reached the point where I don’t even partake in the occasional weekend beer or two. I might drink a bit if I really feel like it, but I hardly ever do. On the rare outing I engage in, in place of alcohol, I allow myself a soda of some sort to feel like I’m participating. Since I don’t do the legal meth juice anymore, letting myself have a bit in drinking settings also allows me to be a bit more social. It’s nice!

Anyway, now that we have context, let’s move on. Last weekend, my friend had their birthday at a hole in the wall dive bar. Like, the diviest. They have fish tanks where they apparently hold goldfish races weekly. There’s an overwhelming amount of Christmas lights on the walls inside. The Google reviews are terrible. You get the drill. Since this was the typical “going out” sort of vibe, I decided to order a Dr. Pepper to get with it.

Do you ever do the thing with a drink and a straw, where you sip it just because it’s there? That’s exactly what I did with the sodiepop. An hour goes by, the waitress refills my cup. Sip sip sip. Another hour, another refill, sip sip. Our friends are ordering more drinks, I’m getting a refill to match. By this point, my partner and I are feeling overstimulated and exhausted at the ripe hour of 10 PM (lol) so we head out. I feel depleted and I’m ready to hit the hay.

Big surprise, I was cracked out of my ass. I scrolled my phone, attempted sleep, and would toss around again and again. I refuse to take melatonin because I had gotten myself addicted to it, so I keep raw dogging this sleepless hell. I worried about keeping my partner up with my tossing. I laughed at something on Reddit and scared him awake, after which he immediately fell back asleep and started quietly snoring. Finally, at 3 AM, I had had enough and moved to the spare bedroom. It wasn’t until nearly 4 that I was able to pass out. You’d think I’d have slept in after the late start, but nope, I woke up wide awake at 7:30, well before my dude did, because I’ve been working on improving my sleep hygiene and I naturally wake up at this time for work. I felt AWFUL. Just like a hangover. I was starting to get a migraine. I felt nauseous. I ran out into the kitchen to make little meals for myself and stole them back to the spare bedroom, like a little rat. I spent the rest of the day feeling awful and avoiding any responsibilities. The entire Sunday, wasted, like I had spent the night out and came home with a bloody nose while the birds were singing Good Morning.

Why? Because of 3 frickin Dr Peepers. I was wired like a 19 year old Mormon kid who just had his first bump Red Bull. Me, the person who did unspeakable things in their 20s and somehow survived, now cannot even face a simple average American diner’s worth of pop. Now I know to limit myself to ONE(1) spicy dark liquid if I’m going out, or I’m in for a whole heap of trouble. I might be in my early 30s, but just call me grandma. I already have the bad knees to boot.

TL:DR; I quit caffeine entirely, my body is extremely sensitive to everything and anything now, and I went too hard with too much sugary caffeinated soda at the ripe age of early 30s.

PS this is very real (I am indeed this weak and meager, sorry), I didn’t use AI or anything aside from my brain to write this out, and it sucks that you can’t share a silly little story from your life without getting downvoted for suspicions of ChatGPT fabrications. I shake my fist at the sky about it.