TIFU by getting addicted to gooning to “gay Muslim” content is ruining my life

I’m 41M, Thai-Chinese Buddhist from Bangkok. Grew up middle-class – temple on weekends, Songkran with family, normal uni life studying business. I’ve always known I was gay, but in Thailand it’s kinda “don’t ask don’t tell.” I hook up on apps quietly, go to Silom soi 2 sometimes, keep it hidden from parents. They still think I’ll marry a nice girl one day. It started about four months ago. I was scrolling some sketchy sites late at night, and somehow ended up on a niche corner of the internet: amateur and fantasy content tagged “gay Muslim.” At first it was curiosity – the contrast, the taboo, the idea of guys from super conservative backgrounds secretly being into men. Beards, prayer caps, thobes half-off, whispering Arabic while doing stuff. I told myself it was just a one-time thing. It wasn’t. Next thing I know, I’m deep in it. Reddit alts, Twitter accounts, Telegram channels – all the free corners where people share clips and roleplay scenarios like “closeted imam’s son” or “secret after taraweeh meetup.” I started collecting everything: slow-motion compilations of guys in kufis moaning, edited with adhan sounds faded in the background, captions like “repress it… then release… astaghfirullah…” The guilt mixed with the thrill made it hit ten times harder. I’m completely rewired now. Normal Thai guys? Cute twinks on apps? Zero reaction. Western porn? Boring. But the second I open a video of some bearded dude in traditional Middle Eastern clothes whispering “haram” while stroking — instant diamond. I’ve made a private 4-hour playlist: every “gay Muslim” clip I could scrape together, slowed down, layered with low-volume Quran recitation for immersion. I goon for hours in the dark, AC blasting, door locked, edging until I’m shaking. It’s destroyed everything. I stopped going to work (I do freelance graphic design) – clients ghosting me because I miss deadlines. Haven’t been to temple in months. Family thinks I’m depressed; mom keeps bringing kratom tea and asking if I have a girlfriend yet. My sleep is ruined. I can’t even hook up anymore because real guys don’t trigger me – only the fantasy does. Last night was the lowest point. I was supposed to have dinner with my parents and relatives for some pre-Christmas thing (we do it for fun). Instead I locked myself in my room at 6 PM, put on headphones, and started a goon session to a new clip I’d found titled “Secret Maghrib Prayer Gone Wrong.” Five hours later I emerge, eyes bloodshot, room smelling like hell, and realize I completely no-showed family dinner. Mom was crying thinking something happened to me. I lied and said I had food poisoning. I know this is beyond messed up. It’s not just porn addiction – it’s fetishizing an entire identity and religion I have zero connection to. I feel like a creep, a racist, everything. I’ve tried deleting everything, blocking sites, even downloading apps to lock adult content. Doesn’t work. The second I’m alone, the urge hits and I’m searching for new “gay Muslim” clips like a zombie. I’m scared I’m stuck like this forever. Normal arousal feels gone.

TL;DR: Thai Buddhist guy became hopelessly addicted to gooning to “gay Muslim” fetish content. Now it’s the only thing that works for me. Ruined my work, family relationships, and mental health. I hate myself.