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TIFU: Thought I was doing good but today I relapsed because I’m so lonely and a POS

Today I am almost 4 months clean but I had to pick up a gram of cocaine. I’ve been feeling very lonely lately and disconnected from male attention. I’m later 30’s single and still trying to stay hopeful that there is a person for me. Last few weeks nothing feels good anymore especially the gym which is my happy place last 3.5 years. Every time I do well I end up back here again. I have no kids, never married, workaholic, no pets and I live alone. I put away the bag after having 6-7 lines because I started to feel weird. If you use or used to use you know that creepy little feeling that creeps inside. Will I be like this forever I started at 15 and am damn near 40. I feel like a huge pos. I was doing things leading up to this to prevent me from using that gave me the same effectiveness: mainly having sex with random men from my gym and yes some are in relationships which makes it that much more intense at the time but the crash hits harder too.

TL;DR late 30’s female addicted to cocaine breaks recovery will I be a dirt bag forever?

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