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TIFU by wearing white pants today and I am currently at my desk with a stain I cannot identify

it was 72 and sunny this morning, I'm 42, I made the decision to wear my white linen pants like a man who has it all figured out. somebody in the office said I looked like I was on vacation. somebody from accounting actually whistled. I walked to the park at lunch, sat on a bench for 25 minutes eating a salad and watching a dog try to fight a leaf. my boss called. I stood up, paced around being professional, walked back to the office, and caught my reflection in the lobby window. reader. there is a large dark brown stain across the entire back of my pants. I do not know what it is. it is not the shape of chocolate. it is not the shape of mud. it is not the shape of any specific thing, which is somehow worse, because now my brain has to consider every option, including the ones I have spent my entire adult life not considering. I went to the bathroom, tried to look at it with my back to the mirror, which made me look like I was being arrested. I tried to scrub it. it got bigger. now I look like I attempted a cover up of whatever this is. I cannot smell anything but that's not how smelling yourself works, that's everyone else's job, and they have been on the clock for an hour. I have a Q2 review with three VPs in 22 minutes. the woman in the cubicle next to me just asked if I'm okay and I said "yeah, just tired" while possibly wearing feces. tomorrow these people will still work here. they all saw me leave for lunch white. they will all see me come back tomorrow.

TL;DR: wore white pants today, sat on something at lunch, just discovered a mystery brown stain across my entire ass, have a meeting in 22 minutes, tried to clean it and made it look like a cover up, the entire office has been quietly observing, please advise.

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