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TIFU by letting the right guy get away because it was the wrong time and I was ashamed of my living situation.

Well, this is probably going to be a long post but here is a little bit of back story with me (33) and B (33)

Both myself and B have known each other since high school but we went to different schools. Graduated in 2010. Him and I would fine ways to see each other to fool around and hangout, it was hard to make that happen because at the time neither one of us had a car. You know, normal horney, carless high school kid stuff. Back then, when we would get into relationships, we would cut contact out of respect for each others partners. Timing never seem to work out with us being single so we never really got a chance to test things out and to see where it went. Thinking back at it now, that was probably for the best as we both had no idea about life. Also at this point it truly was just a VERY strong physical and sexual attraction.

Now fast forward to about 2019/2020, we both ended up moving out of state and ended up within 10 hours of each other and at this point both of us have had failed engagement's and kind of went right back to snapping and sexting ALOT. We would both try to make plans to drive to one another and it never worked out either do to finance's, times that we could take off from work and mostly me being a chicken shit and traumatized to get close to anyone again. My engagement ended poorly, very messy. I am not sure how his ended. I ended up finding someone near me and that person and I dated for about a year and again, B and I would respect that boundary.

So that relationship ended after about a year and of course what does my dumbass do. I start talking to my ex after a few years of being apart and ended up in a toxic ass situation-ship and that more or less goes on until 2024. In 2024 I had my first seizure and my life was completely turn up side down. I became reliant on EVERYONE around me to get any where. I lost my job do to "not enough work" which I call bull shit on but I didn't have any money to fight it and I at least was able to collect unemployment. One month before I had my first seizure I had the bright Idea to try camper life with a camper that was only half functional but it was also a blessing in disguise as I was never going to be able to pay rent on just unemployment. B and I on and off again would text and snap each other but I would always stop things before it went to far. I was in a depressive state for a very long time and just didn't have the bandwidth to put myself out there again. Plus during this time I had lost my horse of 17 years and my ride or die dog of 13 year, so needless to say my self identity was shot.

December of 2024, I get seizures under control, I just about to get my driving privileges back and I end up moving to a different property (read my story about my crap roommate to paint a picture of that shit show) and B and I start talking again but this time we are in the same city. He is so sweet, kind and overall was trying to do what he could to try to help me in anyway he thought he could help. The B now is not the same B from back in high school in an amazing way. I would say his only down fall was being too intense about his feelings, trying to go to fast and his want to try to help me. He would try to let me let him take me to doctor's appointments, would try to come over to just hangout to give me a break from the shit roommate that I had. I always denied the request because I was truly ashamed of being in a still half working camper. I couldn't afford to get back into an apartment once I was finally able to get a job, but only paid min wage. One day, I eventually got scared of letting him in and just stopped texting back. Now a year and half later, I cannot stop thinking about him. What would have life looked like if I wasn't so scared of being vulnerable. I have sense lost his phone number and I was locked out of my snapchat. I did do an internet search to see if I can find his phone number again, and I think I did. I want to reach out and tell him I am so sorry for just ghosting him. However, if he happens to be in a relationship and if it happens to be the person he wants to have a life with and it is going well. I do not want to disrupt what he has going on. I has also been a year and a half.

TL;DR: I let a good guy get away because timing sucked and my whole world got turned upside down.

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