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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by crapping myself in public in a poonami volume event that has potentially scared my 10yo daughter for life...

Happened yesterday. I have a bad gut, been tested for Crones, had a colonoscopy and all that jazz and have been ‘cleared’, what ever that means... Some foods/drinks set me right off.

I’m on holiday with my wife and kids. The first actual family holiday with just us (gotta thank Covid for the reasons we came to this) anywho, had an awesome day out with the fam, went to an awesome restaurant, and ate an awesome meal, also, had a couple of yum wines with my steak (sorry vegos/vegans, I do like your life choices). My kids dessert arrived, my wife’s didn’t, we waited around for about 10mins after the kids had finished theirs and the restaurant hadn’t put it through, all good. We leave. (That’s important because in the past I can tell when my bowels are going to open), yeah nah, not last night...

We leave. Wifey grabs an ice cream from a nearby shop and I take the kids to the car to buckle them in. And that’s when it starts... after belting my 6yo son into his seat I find myself standing upright, squeezing my arse cheeks tighter than the rope used on an experienced bondage participant. Problem is, I couldn’t tap out or escape with a safe word. Wifey has collected her ice cream and the oncoming onslaught began. I rang her to attempt her to expedite her walk to the car, she just looked at me from the distance, pointing to her ice creams, signaling she couldn’t answer her phone.

A poo-nami ensued. I penguin walked a few feet to the front passenger door and froze. About a liter of stomach fluid ensued uncontrollably from my bowel, fortunately restrained somewhat by some tight fitting jocks. By the time wifey caught my eye she knew what was up... our hotel was only a few minutes drive from the incident so paper bags were lay down and I was as rigid as a power pole trying to prevent my sagging arse from touching the seat of the car all the way to the hotel.

Arriving at the hotel, wifey ran inside and retrieved a towel, two wet hand towels and a pair of clean shorts. I cleaned myself up in the hotel car park, all the while a homeless dude was passing by, a family had just arrived to begin their own holiday parking on the opposite side of where I was getting sorted, and while some dude was packing his family in the car to leave for the evening opposite to where we’d parked. (I hid as best I could at this moment).

I managed to avoid public embarrassment - just - but my 10yo daughter now knows full well that dad royally shat himself in public. Safe to say 2020 has been a bit shit but I sure as hell finished it covered in it. Happy NY folks!

TL;DR: crapped myself in public in front of my kids. My daughter knew exactly what was going on and I barely avoided being caught in my recovery efforts.

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