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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by mistakenly believing exercise turns you on for nearly thirty years.

So this is going to need some context so I look like less of an idiot (though I thoroughly assure you I'm an idiot).

Ten minutes ago I found out. Ten goddamn minutes ago, I found out that a worldview I've held my entire life is, in fact, not true, and apparently I'm just a weirdo.

You see, whenever I exercise, something goes haywire in my brain that spikes my libido to something ridiculous. Think Jekyll and Hyde. That's weird for me to type, because my entire life I thought that was everyone. I legitimately thought that was just a common thing: people exercise, and as a result get turned on.

And you know what, in my defense how could I not. What are workout ads if not "grr sweat lookat this sweaty sexy body grr," and like 30% of all porn involving women in their 30's (which is like 90% of my porn) can be summed up with "hey you know what goes great with pilates? penis." I thought you people were like me, who legitimately got turned on through exercise, because why else would you advertise it like that and have so many euphemisms? Dafuq is wrong with you? But apparently I was just dropped on my head too many times as a child or something.

Fuck. Now this is a FUCK UP because as I'm typing this in real time, I'm remembering all the times in my life I've tried to incorporate cardio into foreplay. No, you idiot, not like "hur dur lets do planks in bed before we blast our triceps," but christ, ugh this hurts so damn much to type now that I know it's all a lie but shit like getting bootycalls and responding with shit like "mhm lemme do a quick workout first" OH GOD I'm realizing how fucking stupid that is if there's no context WHY DIDNT ANY OF YOU TELL ME THIS. I THOUGHT SHE UNDERSTOOD AND WAS ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH BUT INSTEAD I WAS THE FUCKING FOOL WHO WAS DOING SQUATS IN THE GYM BEFORE SEX. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I DID THAT SHIT THINKING THEY WORKED THE SAME WAY AND EXERCISE ALSO GOT THE BLOOD FLOWING AND WAS THE MOTHER OF APHRODISIACS AND

Oh god. Oh god oh FUCK. ink;efwerioj'ewij'oderwo'ijerfij'eruhotrijepr I'VE TOLD THEM TO WORK OUT BEFORE TOO. Oh my good Jesus Christ I

I can't believe I did that. Oh my god save me I didn't know. I LITERALLY TOLD GIRLS I WAS WITH, thinking in my STUPID BRAIN, my STUPID STUPID BRAIN, that it would be hot if they worked out beforehand. I told them they should work out more.

What the fuck was I doing I'm literally melting in horror here right now. I'm remembering it all; I literally thought it would do the same thing to them as it did to me, make the sex better, make everything better, but instead, INFUCKINGSTEAD I'm the goddamn JACKASS who probably came across as 'HUR DUR TONE UR ABS BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH ME' or some nightmarish nonsense. Like some hellish dudebro straight from the bowels of the foulest yacht club fraternity. FUCK. How the FUCK did they put up with that. How the FUCK do I apologize for that, because what the fuck am I going to do just call them up and be like "hehe hey yeah Angie I know it's been five years since we've talked and I know you're in a lovely relationship but I wanted to tell you those times I tried to get us to go on a jog before sex wasn't because I thought you were fat but because apparently something's wrong with my brain."

No. No, I can't do that, I have to live with that. For the rest of my life, my goddamn life I have to live with that. Why didn't you tell me. Why didn't any of you tell me. All the 'workout euphemisms' I've used with girlfriends. Oh god their blank stares make sense now. Fifteen years of dating, fifteen years of blank stares. It all makes sense now. It all makes sense.

Oh god. oh fuck.

TL;DR

Christ. Something is odd with my brain in that exercise of any form spikes my libido, and from workout ads, euphemisms, etc, I believed everyone on earth worked the same way. So I've incorporated that into my relationships and flings, like a goddamn idiot, my entire life, much to their confusion. No one corrected me. Found out just now that no, it doesn't work like that.

Edit: I’ll respond to these comments later, I’ve got some... apologies to make first. Not sure how I’m going to go about “I’m sorry that I made us jog before sex” sound sincere, but I’ll think of something.

Update: Apologized to an ex I'm still close with about this, she thought it was the funniest thing ever. Apparently she just thought I was 'super into my body,' like an egomaniac. Which is...... better? I dunno, glad I closed that up but don't think I'll message the exes I'm not on good terms with; that would be too dumb to just casually bring up after five years of not talking.

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