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TIFU by drinking a Gallon of milk in one hour to shove it in Reddit’s face

It’s still in my post history because I am permanently keeping it as a reminder that I’m a fucking idiot whenever my ego gets out of check.

Okay so this morning I posted on Reddit a conversation me and my friends had in which we all unanimously agreed that drinking a gallon of milk in under an hour is 100% possible and is an incredibly easy challenge. My reasoning was that an entire hour is a lot of time, and that if you just slowly and steadily drink the milk while portioning yourself there’s no reason why anybody can’t do it. One of the lesser challenges was doing a half gallon in an hour and I can say from a certain experience with hot sauce a while ago that I was 100% capable of achieving that so I was absolutely confident I could do two.

I posted it to Reddit, feeling pretty high and mighty of myself on the “unpopular opinions” board and was immediately provided with multiple comments informing me that I was an idiot and had no idea what I was talking about. These comments from inferior humans asked me to record my endeavors and I was without a doubt ready and willing to prove them wrong. So I went to my local 7/11, bought a gallon of 2% and got back to my dorm.

I will give myself credit through my naive ego, I did prepare for the worst a little bit, I sat with a towel bib in case of dribblage and pre-opened one of the shower stalls because the toilets would not account the possible gallons worth milk that could occur from the bovi-licious odyssey I was about to traverse upon. So I turned on my video camera and filled up 5 approximately 25 ounces cups of milk.

Looking at these completely full cups infront of me, the milk carton definitely tricks you with its sheer volume and I was realizing the challenge ahead of me, but mama didn’t raise no bitch so I went in.

First cup: Totally easy, I love milk, my father, brother and I will go through a gallon within 2-3 days tops, and all I have to do is do this every 12 minutes and I’m home free and all those losers on Reddit will know how cool I am.

Second cup: I down this one too, easy peasy, though the first signal to my brain that I was very much so satiated with my daily value of calcium was already upon us. Though this was a challenge even the greatest often failed at, I wasn’t going to underestimate this challenge, but rather like a matador I will corral this bull with steadiness and finesse.

Third cup: this one I was able to not consistently down, I got about half way through and I had to breathe for a second. But I have a 12 minute window to down this so I don’t have to rush it. The camera is still recording, I wonder if I have to post this full hour of footage to prove it or if I can just skip to each time I drink. Ha. Imagine the looks on their faces when they see I can drink an entire gallon. How much time till my next cup? IVE GOT 30 SECONDS?!

Fourth cup: OKAY! I FINISHED THE THIRD CUP IN THE TIME WINDOW! The 12 minute mark hit and I didn’t immediately drink it, I picked it up, inspected it’s beautiful color and temperature, and immediately had to put it back down because a certain noise just befell my ears... did my stomach just... hiccup? Me and humbleness have a very long distance relationship, and as the crazy zodiac girl in my nursing classes has informed me, “you totally DO give off Leo energy”. And while my understanding of stars is lacking I think that translates to at this very moment, I definitely have gotten myself into a bad scenario thanks to my ego”. I begin to drink the fourth cup and my stomach is really starting to slosh around, it’s just stagnant and sitting in there and I can feel it truly filling up. SOMEHOW, BY SHEER MIRACLE OR LUCK, I get cup 4 down within the time window with a few minutes to spare.

Fifth cup: ALL. I. DID. WAS. BURP. A very small burp, but up with it came a mouth full of milk. I realized my fate was sealed. As I swallowed it back down I knew that the second part of the challenge was actually sitting there and not puking as the body begins to naturally break down the lactose and shit in the milk. I haven’t even touched the fifth cup yet, just decided to bring my knees up to my chest to help with the completely full stomach... then, I, very graciously I should add, sprinted like a mad man to the open shower, kneeled on that gross ass floor and prepared for the inevitable. 10 seconds.. 15... nothing was happening... so I slowly got up and went to head back to my room to hopefully finish the challenge, and THEN I BUMPED THE STALL DOOR RIGHT INTO MY GUT.

In that moment I saw two things, the white of the milk projectile ejecting from my mouth into the shower floor from my rapidly turning head as to not destroy everything. And the vision of God punishing me for the next probably 40 years because I attempted to achieve the ways of the golden calf.

It is now 5 hours later, and Reddit has won this time with their stupid facts and basic science that I chose to ignore. I am still making frequent trips to the bathroom with generous supplies of dairy for the toilet from both ends. If you need me I will be listening to “I told you so’s” from the toilet.

Tl;dr: I try to best Reddit by drinking a whole gallon of milk and now my stomach is churning to the point that I may shit butter

Edit: It has been only two hours and so far I have seen many people read this story, understand my overconfidence within it, and then comment that they bet they could personally do the challenge themselves and will be trying soon, which makes me feel better knowing that I am not ill for this world. Thanks guys!

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