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TIFU by eating asparagus for lunch

No, this isn't a gross golden showers post that some of you were hoping for. This actually happened a few days ago.

I bought a few steaks from a local butcher and planned to surprise my wife with a gourmet grilled lunch the next day. (Both working from home)

I fired up the grill, seasoned the steaks, prepped some new potatoes and fresh asparagus. Everything was spot on aside from the asparagus which I slightly overcooked.

My wife was thrilled, but only had a piece or two of asparagus. I wasn't about to let it go to waste so I ate the rest.

An hour or so later I had to leave for a doctors appointment, just a general check-up. My doctor does all her usual tests, then hands me a plastic cup. She's finished, but wants a urine sample.

This particular doctors office is quite large and has numerous doctors under one roof. They share a laboratory, waiting room and a bathroom which is next to the waiting room. Unfortunately the bathroom is also down a really long hallway from the doctors office door. The laboratory door is in the hallway between the doctor offices and the waiting room, this is where you wait for blood tests and deliver urine samples etc.

I took my white plastic cup and stealthily walked past several other patients towards the waiting room. Once inside the bathroom I started to fill the cup and was hit with that unmistakable stench of asparagus pee. I had completely forgotten that I ate asparagus... and this wasn't your average asparagus smell. It was obviously a hybrid asparagus strain developed by the military as a chemical weapon, and I had eaten 9 or 10 pieces of it.

I know what you're thinking, just put the lid on the urine vial. We'll this office doesn't use the vials. They use a translucent wide mouthed plastic cup. So normally you would just do the walk of shame past the waiting room with your now yellowish colored cup and deliver it to the laboratory door.

I was going to wait it out and hope the smell dissipated, then I heard a hurried knock at the door. I knew I'd have to make a break for it.

I grabbed the cup of warm VX urine and made my move. When I opened the door the child waiting outside yanked the door handle causing me to splash a small amount from the cup onto my hand and pants. The parent apologized and rushed inside with their child leaving me covered in my own pee. As I walk away I hear the child complaining about the smell, serves you right you little shit.

Now the pressure is really on. I feel like I'm carrying a cup of enriched uranium across the waiting room and after the bathroom door fiasco, all eyes are on me. I try to casually walk through, crop dusting the entire office, as if nothing is wrong. The expression I saw that day told me otherwise.

In my panicked shame I didn't stop at the laboratory door, no, I went all the way back to my doctor's office. I opened the door to see my doctor and her next patient looking up at me, and the smoldering cup of urine in my hand. My doctor casually asks if I could deliver it to the laboratory for her.

So now I'm walking back down the hallway, carrying my precious cargo past the same people I crop dusted moments ago. I finally reach the laboratory door and knock gently, instead of someone opening the door, I hear "take a seat, someone will be out shortly".

Most uncomfortable 2 minutes of my life. Mad props to the old lady next to me who said "asparagus for lunch?"

I guess it's time to find a new doctor's office... I'm definitely asking if they use vials or cups.

TL;DR ; Ate asparagus for lunch and got a surprise urine test at the doctor which stunk up the whole office.

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