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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU By covering myself in shit

Obligatory this didn’t happen today but quite a few years ago.

Background: So it was just after Christmas, and I feel this is a very British thing to do, all the kids (me included) had gotten a lynx set, one of which had come with the black loofah with the scratchy pad on the back. This will be important.

To the fuck up. Early evening I went up to go and have a shower, do all the usual, get your towels etc and strip down to my birthday suit.

Hop in the shower, do my hair, shampoo etc, put my conditioner in. Now I always wash my body while I let the conditioner sit for a few minutes.

I don’t know how I didn’t see what was wrong, but I pick up this BLACK loofah, put some body wash on it, again I apparently see nothing wrong.

I close my eyes (WHY) and proceed to work from my tootsies to my chest. As you do.

I suddenly become aware while washing my chesticles, of a very obscene and violent attack on my nostrils. I slow down with the body scrubbing while my brain catches up.

I open my eyes.

I am completely brown. Chest to toe, brown.

Then the realization hits, and I glance at the loofah.

And sat there in it’s little black nest of loofah, is a nugget of shit. Human shit. And it’s not mine. Due to the loofah being black, the shit was not immediately obvious.

I throw down the loofah while violently wrenching realizing I have become a human shit popsicle.

We’ve got a bottle of hand sanitizer on the windowsill which I grab a handful of along with more body wash and get to work getting this SHIT OFF ME.

I was aggressively sandpapering my own body for a good 10 minutes, gradually calming down until I am no longer wrenching and gagging.

I get myself to a clean state, grab the towel, wrap myself, and just begin to cry.

I waddled out onto the landing, curled up into a ball and just cried. I felt personally attacked and violated. My mother then goes to the bottom of the stairs and asks me why I’m a hot mess.

My response?

“THERE WAS SHIT IN THE LOOFAH”

The next 15 minutes was me explaining to my whole family the assault I had just imposed on myself and my pride while tears streamed down my face.

To this day, I will never use a black loofah ever again.

TL;DR Used a black loofah which had shit in it which I didn’t spot, to clean my whole body, will no longer buy or use a black loofah again.

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