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TIFU by thinking it was just period cramps.

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TIFU and ruined my pool party with a fountain stench and death.

This title is not an exaggeration. I ruined my pool party in the most macabre way imaginable.

I have a lovely pool at my house, and it is summer here in the northern hemisphere. Those are about the only justifications I need to throw a pool party. I had one in-progress yesterday.

My pool has a fountain attached to it. Water, fed by a separate pump, cascades over rocks and into the pool. Also lovely.

I fucked up big time. I did not run the fountain at all during the off-season. Normally I do click it on occasionally to keep the pump primed. Not this winter though. This winter I chose careless optimism.

When I did turn on the fountain for the first time this season, my guests were there. Children splashed happily in the water and attractive women lounged nearby in a variety of strings and minuscule cloth pieces.

I wanted ambiance. So I gave everyone…. PICKLED LIZARD JUICE.

When the pump turned on, it was in fact already primed. Water began flowing immediately over the rocks and into the pool. But there was something wrong. So, so very wrong.

The first thing someone noticed was the cloud of murk growing at the end of the pool nearest the fountain. Then, the immediate and overwhelming stench. A smell that defies description. One so repugnant that it seems to get into the cells of your frontal cortex and sticks with you for days.

Sobering reality came down hard and fast on my pina-colada-day-drunk.

Lizards. The fucking lizards. During the off season, they must have made a suicide pact and flung themselves down the slick-walled vertical pipe that feeds the fountain, where they stewed for months, creating a brackish lizard brine reserved for the devil himself.

It’s hard to say how many there were, but judging by the varying degree of decayed corpses now drifting in a cloud of unholy murk toward the children, it was MANY.

My pool party ended abruptly, and now I’m contemplating how to fix the 20,000 gallons of death soup I’ve created. I’ve started by skimming jellied lizard parts and vomit from the water.

Fin.

TL;DR: a tide of partially liquified dead lizards swept through my pool party

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