Skip to main content

TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

Post a Comment

TIFU and ruined my pool party with a fountain stench and death.

This title is not an exaggeration. I ruined my pool party in the most macabre way imaginable.

I have a lovely pool at my house, and it is summer here in the northern hemisphere. Those are about the only justifications I need to throw a pool party. I had one in-progress yesterday.

My pool has a fountain attached to it. Water, fed by a separate pump, cascades over rocks and into the pool. Also lovely.

I fucked up big time. I did not run the fountain at all during the off-season. Normally I do click it on occasionally to keep the pump primed. Not this winter though. This winter I chose careless optimism.

When I did turn on the fountain for the first time this season, my guests were there. Children splashed happily in the water and attractive women lounged nearby in a variety of strings and minuscule cloth pieces.

I wanted ambiance. So I gave everyone…. PICKLED LIZARD JUICE.

When the pump turned on, it was in fact already primed. Water began flowing immediately over the rocks and into the pool. But there was something wrong. So, so very wrong.

The first thing someone noticed was the cloud of murk growing at the end of the pool nearest the fountain. Then, the immediate and overwhelming stench. A smell that defies description. One so repugnant that it seems to get into the cells of your frontal cortex and sticks with you for days.

Sobering reality came down hard and fast on my pina-colada-day-drunk.

Lizards. The fucking lizards. During the off season, they must have made a suicide pact and flung themselves down the slick-walled vertical pipe that feeds the fountain, where they stewed for months, creating a brackish lizard brine reserved for the devil himself.

It’s hard to say how many there were, but judging by the varying degree of decayed corpses now drifting in a cloud of unholy murk toward the children, it was MANY.

My pool party ended abruptly, and now I’m contemplating how to fix the 20,000 gallons of death soup I’ve created. I’ve started by skimming jellied lizard parts and vomit from the water.

Fin.

TL;DR: a tide of partially liquified dead lizards swept through my pool party

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU by walking into a glass door.

This just happened barely 30 minutes ago. Ended up with a nose bleed and some of the worst nose pain in my life. I can’t even wear glasses without the pressure hurting my nose. So, how did I make the same fuck up a bird would? I put on my sunglasses to leave an appointment and ended up walking nose first into a glass door. Shambling back in shock, I had no damn clue what I had just done. It shocked me so bad that I didn’t comprehend it until I felt liquid drip down my nose. I had turned into the world’s bloodiest leaking faucet. Someone witnessed this in their periphery and asked me if they needed to phone someone. In a panic I basically wailed for them not to, even though I would soon freak out and think I need an ambulance. Someone else came by and ended up giving me paper towels, which quickly looked like I had murdered a mouse with them. My nosebleed soon stopped but not before someone else checked on me. TLDR; fought a glass door and lost. I do not envy the janitorial staff. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by asking my boss why his cock got hard on my leg.

***not a fake post. I’m F 32, He was standing over one of my legs while I was sitting in front of him facing him (spinal adjustment) and he spread my knees with his leg, put his hand on my stomach and then there was a ton of sexual tension and I felt his cock grow into my leg and then start to fill with blood and then twitch on my leg. My boss has been leading me on for two years in subtle ways. Lots of waist pinching, close moments, and “were you good while I was away(s)?” Mostly breadcrumbing himself out to me while his wife (who I also work with) became increasingly hostile towards me. He is someone who has been a mentor to me for ten years. The two of them seem to be having marital problems on and off. The other month, while in close proximity, he started to get hard on my leg and moved when he noticed. A while later, I asked for an open conversation on the attraction between us and what to do about it. It has been distressing me and I had reached my limit. I figured since we’ve...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by going through my girlfriend’s old photos

My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months or so and things have been up and down but I love her a lot and she loves me a lot. We’re both 20 and she’s had a lot more experience sexually than I have and this has always bothered me but besides that we have a pretty good relationship. We’ve talked about our pasts and she’s had some pretty bad experiences that caused her to kind of go off the rails up until we met. She’s all in on me and I’m all in on her and she’s expressed a lot of regret about her past choices and I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible but I’ve always had some insecurity regarding it. Well anyways last night I was on her laptop and saw her photos were linked to it and I stupidly clicked on it and started going through them. Don’t need anyone telling me that it was dumb and an invasion of privacy because I really realize that now and I will never be going through any of her stuff again. Anyways I ended up seeing a lot of shit. Clicked on a folder that...
Post a Comment
Read more