Skip to main content

TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

Post a Comment

TIFU by starting a food pun war with my sister via text

Obligatory clarification, I fucked up Thursday night.

Four days ago, my sister responded to me with one simple little phrase,"lettuce pray" and my brain would not accept that there were no appropriate vegetable puns to be found in my mental Rolodex.

I think pinpointed exactly is where I fucked up. I told my sister that I would be back in 30 minutes, i was driving and I needed time to think of a vegetable response because I was just unarmed.

I got home and it took me a good 45 minutes to come up "peas be with us" But in my heart, I knew it wouldn't be sufficient.Something told me I was still woefully unprepared for the war I had set into motion.

I barely got my little "peas be with us" typed and she had managed to sprinkle

"Oh kale no" "Don't beet me up" And a couple more I forgot cuz I was ambushed

I told her she was just being malicious now. She knew I brought a knife to a gun fight. Told her to hold her fire, she was firing on an unarmed soldier here.

So that night, I think is where I first started putting a little too much thought into this whole food pun war.

I wanted to have a team of veggies at least 5 strong. So I looked at lists of veggies. Got me 5 or 6 I thought I could work with. Then I was like I'm gonna hit her with a fruit, that will 🤯 her.

But I got worried, I said she probably gonna have a grain in her back pocket. That led to me looking at a list of the whole MF food pyramid looking for ways to insert them into conversations casually.

So, I hit her the next morning with "How you bean?" "I could complain but you probably wouldn't carrot all"

Spoiler alert, she did have a grain pun. She used yeast. "At yeast you don't have long to wait.

So now we have evolved and she is integrating shit like asparagus into phrases like "I swear guess we just have to wait and see" and Iam impressed and a little intimidated, ngl.

So I have evolved to trying to string foods together to make a sentence, such as “Hasta leaves bean pasta thyme”

I’m just not sure olive to tell the end of this war

TL:DR I created a food pun war I didn’t think through

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU by walking into a glass door.

This just happened barely 30 minutes ago. Ended up with a nose bleed and some of the worst nose pain in my life. I can’t even wear glasses without the pressure hurting my nose. So, how did I make the same fuck up a bird would? I put on my sunglasses to leave an appointment and ended up walking nose first into a glass door. Shambling back in shock, I had no damn clue what I had just done. It shocked me so bad that I didn’t comprehend it until I felt liquid drip down my nose. I had turned into the world’s bloodiest leaking faucet. Someone witnessed this in their periphery and asked me if they needed to phone someone. In a panic I basically wailed for them not to, even though I would soon freak out and think I need an ambulance. Someone else came by and ended up giving me paper towels, which quickly looked like I had murdered a mouse with them. My nosebleed soon stopped but not before someone else checked on me. TLDR; fought a glass door and lost. I do not envy the janitorial staff. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by asking my boss why his cock got hard on my leg.

***not a fake post. I’m F 32, He was standing over one of my legs while I was sitting in front of him facing him (spinal adjustment) and he spread my knees with his leg, put his hand on my stomach and then there was a ton of sexual tension and I felt his cock grow into my leg and then start to fill with blood and then twitch on my leg. My boss has been leading me on for two years in subtle ways. Lots of waist pinching, close moments, and “were you good while I was away(s)?” Mostly breadcrumbing himself out to me while his wife (who I also work with) became increasingly hostile towards me. He is someone who has been a mentor to me for ten years. The two of them seem to be having marital problems on and off. The other month, while in close proximity, he started to get hard on my leg and moved when he noticed. A while later, I asked for an open conversation on the attraction between us and what to do about it. It has been distressing me and I had reached my limit. I figured since we’ve...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by going through my girlfriend’s old photos

My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months or so and things have been up and down but I love her a lot and she loves me a lot. We’re both 20 and she’s had a lot more experience sexually than I have and this has always bothered me but besides that we have a pretty good relationship. We’ve talked about our pasts and she’s had some pretty bad experiences that caused her to kind of go off the rails up until we met. She’s all in on me and I’m all in on her and she’s expressed a lot of regret about her past choices and I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible but I’ve always had some insecurity regarding it. Well anyways last night I was on her laptop and saw her photos were linked to it and I stupidly clicked on it and started going through them. Don’t need anyone telling me that it was dumb and an invasion of privacy because I really realize that now and I will never be going through any of her stuff again. Anyways I ended up seeing a lot of shit. Clicked on a folder that...
Post a Comment
Read more