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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by telling my girlfriend how I felt

My (38m) girlfriend (38f) and I have been together for 15yrs and have 2 kids together. She has always been an open person and has shared stories of passed relationships. She is still close (long distance) friends with one ex, who I am on good terms with.

Recently though, a different ex reached out to her to reconnect as friends. It didn't sit right with me at the time, as stories of how he made her feel gave me a very low opinion of him. I didn't say anything though as I wanted her to have the freedom to decide for herself and they had once had a good friendship too. She can also get defensive due to some challenges in her upbringing, so I didn't want to be controlling.

Flash forward a week and they meet up, with her coming home around 11. I then struggle to sleep because I am worried about her letting a toxic person back in to her life, and by extension our family's. In the morning I told her how I felt in a very open fashion. I am not as good at expressing my feelings so this was out of character and caught her off guard. After some time, I thought I had explained things pretty well and said that I trust her completely but I wasn't sold on the situation. I would not stop her trying to rebuild the friendship though, even if it seemed risky.

Two days later, I ask her how she is after work and she mentions amongst work stress, that the conversation had been playing in her mind. Because of this I completely pulled away and felt like I had burdened her with my baggage on the situation, but I didn't say anything. She quickly realised though that I was down and tried to speak with me to understand but grew upset with me. When I relented I found out more than I had bargained for.

My girlfriend has been silently tackling a lot of sadness recently because I have been emotionally distant. I can't deny this and know I can have depressive spells, but struggle to understand and process my feelings sometimes. She was really distraught and wants time to work on things, but has said we can't keep going on like this.

I now feel powerless to save my relationship as I can't just trample her feelings with some heavy handed displays as they won't seem genuine. I have asked her if she still wants to be with me and she's said that she thinks so, but it destroys me to know that even the smallest part of her could be unsure.

I know I am being selfish in feeling this way and I will do whatever it takes for her, but my mind is reeling at a million miles a minute and I don't want to let this relationship slip away from me.

TL;DR, I ignorantly shared my feelings, thinking I was doing the right thing, but it has revealed how self centered and closed off I have been to my girlfriend.

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