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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by giving myself a hemorroid

Obligatory “this happened over the span of a few days”

As of late, college has been pretty stressful. As a Finance and Computer Science double major, I’ve been getting fucked from both sides by my courseload. As such, I’ve been so tired, falling asleep the second I step into my room has become a pattern. Unfortunately that means I haven’t been taking my nighttime Ulcerative Colitis medicine, which has led to a unfavorable chain of events. For those of you who don’t know, some symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis or UC, as I will henceforth call it, include the frequent desire to shit, yet only have blood or intestinal mucus leave the body.

Normally the medicine remedies these symptoms, but as I’ve been skipping them, I’ve been spending more time on the porcelain throne. Since quarantine, I’ve developed the bad habit of sitting on the toilet for a fairly long time, browsing Reddit or Tiktok. Since I’ve been on the toilet so often, I have also been sitting there browsing, for upwards of 1 hour a day while blood leaves the brown starfish. The constant pressure of sitting there straining, while also have my cheeks spread like Moses parting the Red Sea, has had some pretty adverse effects. Over the last few days, an intense itching plagued my rear quarters, leading to frequent and desperate trips to the bathroom scratching my anal cavity. This itchy got more and more intense, until yesterday, when it became uncomfortable to sit. Chalking it up to UC, I finally remembered to take my medicine, but it was too late; the damage had been done.

My poor poor asshole was in intense pain. Sitting, even laying down caused a hot dagger to sear through my sphincter, making me shift from cheek to cheek to manage the agony. Still unsure about the severity of my predicament, I decided to shower, and feel around to see the size and density of the engorged mass. While reaching up into my anus, I felt a spherical, hard and painful lump. Poking it caused me to crumple to my knees in the shower, hands clenched as my ass radiated the pain of a thousand suns. I hobbled out of the bathroom, head hung low in shame, realizing the extent of my problems.

I’m now lying in bed typing this, trying to find the right angle for my hemorrhoid. I don’t think I’ll bring my phone into the bathroom ever again.

TL;DR

Today I fucked up by sitting on the toilet browsing social media for too long due to not taking Ulcerative Colitis meds, thus leaving me with a hemorrhoid the size of a small marble, causing unimaginable pain whenever I sit.

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