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TIFU by hooking up with guys

I always always used to say I would wait until marriage before having sex. When I graduated high school all up until my sophomore year of college I never drank or partied. I excelled in school. Things have changed a lot, and it is honestly making me feel awful about myself and that no guy will ever want to be in a relationship with me.

My sister committed suicide when I was a freshman in college. Ever since I think I went downhill. I still did well in school but I began to do the bare minimum. I slowly became exposed to drinking and partying in college when I moved on campus.

I was never diagnosed but I feel like I have situational depression or some kind of mild depression because I have been really sad ever since my sister died and it’s been 2.5 years now.

Because of the combination of being depressed, being exposed to alcohol, partying more, and being told by my friends that it’s okay to hook up and seeing it normalized, I lost my virginity last year shortly after turning 21, and I’ve since racked up a body count of 7.

I take full responsibility. These were decisions I made that I didn’t have to. But these factors certainly played a role. If my sister never died, I don’t think I would’ve come down this destructive path.

With each hookup I’ve hated myself more. Pretty much all of these encounters occurred after I drank too much, and there were a few times that my depression and passive suicidal thoughts made me feel like I wanted to put myself in danger by hooking up with random guys.

I don’t know what to do now because I feel pretty worthless about myself. I feel like I don’t know who I am. I have always just wanted to be in a long-term relationship, and now I feel like I’ve ruined my chances cause no guy will want someone with my body count and who is depressed.

I watch YouTube a lot and seeing people’s opinions about girls like me who have slept around really hurts me. I wish I could turn back time. Am I disgusting? Will no guy ever want me?

TL;DR: My sister committed suicide when I was a freshman in college. My depression has caused me to be destructive by drinking a lot and hooking up (my body count is 7 now). I never used to be this person, so I’m really ashamed. Will any guy ever want to be in a relationship with me?

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