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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by peeing outside.

I live in a house with one bathroom which is upstairs. I woke up from a nap on the couch around 5pm (had day off) and really had to pee. Like bad.

I had two options to avoid pissing my pants. Go all the way upstairs to the bathroom, which is about 100 feet, OR go 20 feet out the back door and pee on the tree inside my privacy fence.

Obviously I chose the latter. I headed outside and proceeded to relieve myself on the tree. I closed my eyes and enjoyed my post nap evacuation, feeling the sun on my face, and member was relaxing.

Suddenly, my enjoyment was cut short by a stabbing pain on my Johnson. I looked down and saw there was a mosquito biting my shaft.

Rage filled my heart as I instinctively slapped the little asshole, failing to connect the dots that my hand was speeding toward not only the ill fated mosquito, but also my family jewels.

Due to my post nap brain fog, my reaction was not fast enough to stop the assault on my genitals that was about to take place.

My hand connected with extreme prejudice to both the mosquito and my exposed meat-stick.

I simultaneously cried out in pain and dropped like a sack of potatoes. I stayed there for the next 5 minutes reevaluating all my life choices to this point.

TL;DR: I went to pee outside to save time, was bitten on my dick by a mosquito and subsequently slapped myself in the nuts killing the offender.

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