TIFU Shaving my butt

I'm a dude. I got a little carried away with personal grooming time. My usual mindset is along the lines of "trim the grass but don't scorch the earth," and I'm not really into body shaving. But I had the brilliant idea that maybe a non-hairy butt might be something nice to explore, so on a whim, I decided to give it a go.

I failed to take into consideration what a massive undertaking this would turn out to be. Even if you're normal-sized, your butt is bigger than you think. It's not like shaving your face, where there's a relatively small amount of surface that needs actual shaving. A butt represents a decent-sized parcel of real estate. And even if you're not super hairy, the hair is probably widespread, which means you probably have to shave the whole thing.

With my face, I get maybe two or three swipes of the razor before I have to rinse off the blade. With my butt, as it turns out, I get about half a swipe before the razor is full. And I mean full in a "rinse it off, oops that didn't work, I guess I'm going to have to swipe backward against a washcloth or towel and then rinse it off some more" kind of a way. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to throw out this washcloth because even after washing it, it still has the appearance of my grandparents' shag carpet.

Also, even if you're flexible, your butt's kind of difficultly positioned and awkward to reach. I had to keep reminding myself which way I was going, and at some point, I developed a very real fear that I was accidentally going to do a sideways swipe instead of a vertical swipe, which would disastrous for obvious reasons.

Then, at some point, you have to make a decision: Am I only shaving the outside? Or do I go, uh, between the pages? In my ongoing brilliance, I decided that shaving just the outer cheeks would only serve to make the inside appear that much hairier, so I parted the fold and continued inward. This, it turns out, is a different undertaking altogether. Skin that never sees the light of day is, understandably, much more sensitive. Also, by this time I was sweating from nervousness, and it helps nothing to also now have the potential for losing my grip on the razor.

It took probably 45 minutes altogether, and by the time I finished this somewhat harrowing project, I was feeling pretty accomplished.

I wasn't done, however, with my string of bad decisions. Aftershave was a terrible, horrible idea. I only had a minute or two of enjoying my nice, smooth butt before I decided something along the lines of, "Now let's make this smooth skin feel like someone set it on fire." It took a solid half-hour for the burning sensation to subside. And by then, there was no real enjoyment over my achievement, just a relief that my ass no longer felt ablaze.

And that brings us to the final experience, which is the ongoing consequence of this particular grooming experiment. You know how each of us sort of learns the best way to position yourself so you can stifle a fart? Shaving your butt changes all of that drastically. You will never fart quietly with a shaved butt, and I do mean never. About an hour or so after I had finished, I dropped a normal-sized fart without really thinking about it. The sound visibly startled me. It was like someone fired a machine gun in an echo chamber. Anyone within earshot will clearly hear the unmistakable sound of your butt cheeks slapping against each other. And without hair to provide an easy exit, you will feel the little gas bubbles as they slowly work their way up your butt crack, like the carbonation bubbles on a Sprite that you've poured into a glass. Every fart since then has been a very similar experience, and I now suspect this will continue until the hair grows back.

I guess it was worth doing in the sense of, "Well, now I know what that's like." But I can't say I recommend the experience, and I'm certainly never planning to do it again.

TL;DR Shaved my butt. Was difficult. Used aftershave, which set my ass on fire. Can never fart silently again.

(REPOST)