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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by pulling an elastic battle rope too hard and almost blinding myself

So this happened today, and my face still hurts.

I was at the gym, feeling good, ready to get in a solid workout. I decided to switch things up and use those elastic battle ropes—you know, like the normal heavy ropes, but stretchy. I figured they’d give me a killer resistance workout while making me look like a beast. Spoiler: I did not look like a beast.

I started off with some standard waves, but then my dumbass thought, Hey, what happens if I pull harder? So I did. I yanked the rope back with full force, stretching it to what I can only assume was its absolute limit. And then, physics happened.

The rope snapped back at the speed of light and whipped me directly in the face. I swear, I saw my ancestors for a second. The impact landed less than a centimeter from my eye—right on my cheekbone. If it had been just a little higher, I might be writing this with one eye.

I stumbled back, clutching my face, half expecting to see blood. Thankfully, it was just an angry red mark and some swelling. But the best part? There were at least five people who saw the whole thing. A couple of them gasped, one guy actually laughed out loud, and the gym staff just stared at me like, This idiot really almost took himself out with a rubber rope.

Now I’m sitting at home, icing my face, reflecting on my life choices. Moral of the story: Elastic battle ropes fight back.

TL;DR: Pulled an elastic battle rope too hard, got slapped in the face at Mach 10, almost lost an eye, and got publicly humiliated in the gym.

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