TIFU by trusting craft beer and my own butt way too much

Alright, Reddit… this is a story I’ve kept buried for almost 20 years. I don’t know if it’s guilt, embarrassment, or pure trauma, but today’s the day I finally get it off my chest.

So I was camping with some friends. We were drinking craft beers the night before — the fancy hipster ones that taste like grapefruit misery but hit like diesel fuel. I woke up the next morning and instantly knew my stomach hated me. Not a “maybe in 30 minutes” kind of situation… I’m talking DEFCON 1.

So I start wobbling toward my car to drive to the campground bathrooms. My buddy’s daughter (she was like 7) and their dog were hanging out by the fire. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

Halfway to my car, the beer gut punched me like a freight train. My body said, “We’re doing this NOW.” I squeezed my cheeks harder than a hydraulic press… but nope. Nature won.

I shit myself. Bad. Like running down my legs bad.

I’m limping to my car, praying nobody sees me… and then I hear footsteps behind me. I look back and the dog is FOLLOWING ME… licking… and eating the trail I’m leaving behind me.

I wanted to ascend into the astral plane.

I’m mortified, covered in shame and IPA-fueled regret, when I finally get to my car. I sit in it — marinating in my own choices — and start driving to the showers.

But here’s where the real horror begins.

I glance in my rear-view mirror and see the dog trot back over toward the fire. The little girl bends down to pet him like it’s the best day ever.

And the dog… is licking her face. Like, full cleanup mode.

I almost puked right there in my car. I’ve never recovered mentally. I don’t think I ever will.

I took the world’s saddest shower, came back, and played it off like “haha yeah I fell in the river.” Nobody mentioned anything. Not a word. Not from the adults, not from the kid, not from ANYONE.

The dog low-key saved me… but also committed an unspeakable war crime in the process.

And this is the first time I’ve ever told a soul.

TL;DR:

Drank way too many craft beers while camping, woke up with beer-gut doom, tried to make it to the bathroom, violently shit myself mid-walk, dog immediately ate it and then went to lick a kid’s face. I pretended I fell in the river and nobody said a word.