TIFU by failing to trust my friend

This is a bit of an embarrassing story and I'm choosing to be tarred and feathered if it's warranted. I sincerely didn't think I was capable of doing something like this, but I guess I don't know myself as much as I thought I did.

For context, two years ago, I became severely mentally ill due to underlying ADHD symptoms that I didn't take seriously. As a result, at the advice of my friend, I decided to go to a doctor and get solutions. I was prescribed medication, I immediately felt better, and I coasted believing that I had shed my fears and anxieties.

Which, as I soon found out, wasn't the case. Call me oblivious, call me narcissistic. I don't believe that to be true, but what I'm about to share can sure make it look like that from the outside looking in, and if it really is true, then I appreciate the honesty.

My medication helps me to get tasks done on time, focus on projects, and get me to an emotional baseline. Before this, I was constantly fearful of people's words, assuming that they were untruthful, and because I failed to keep routines going for long, my self worth was constantly in flux. I had manic symptoms almost all the time.

After medication, I had been successful in following through with routines and getting projects done. This was very new to me, and I was very happy with this. My friend is someone I enjoyed hanging out with deeply. However, they were not immune to my distrust. I felt the need to go to therapy was unwarranted, because I thought I had a handle on things. Little did I know, I did not.

For some more context, my friend did not have a great time in school and not a great home life, and had some issues with the mental in the past as well. However, they pushed through that and put the effort into shedding a lot of their own anxieties and mindsets far before I did. This was something that I wasn't completely certain of, and I was clearly not as perceptive as I thought I was, because otherwise this would have been guaranteed to me.

We live a bit far away from each other, so I would ask them whenever they wanted to hang out, and they typically said yes unless they had something going on. I decided that I wanted to focus on my projects more, and because of that, I decided to ask them to let me know whenever they wanted to hang out, because I may lose track and not offer myself.

However, the anxiety began to manifest. This is where everything really took a turn for the worse. I was still distrustful of them, because I was fearful that because I was the one to take the initiative the majority of the time, that they were hiding a disdain for me. This is not based in reality.

I decided to write a long message down into a Google Doc, screenshot the text and send them as pictures, just so it's not a wall of text. Now, if you remember, I was severely mentally ill in the past and my friend knew this. So, they sent a message of mild concern due to how similar it read from manic episodes in the past.

I became a little upset because of this, because I didn't believe that I was displaying anything concerning. I was of the mind that I had pushed through everything. That my past behaviours were something I put behind me.

We had some more back and forth and I became more upset, because now I felt as if I was being talked down to, and my friend suggested going to therapy. I lashed out at this because I felt like my fears were becoming reality, that I was just some sort of convenient person to have and that their friend groups were their real friends, not me.

Essentially, I felt as though that I was being used, because that did happen before. I thought I was going to be another shitty person in my friend's life, and I thought it was entirely unfair. I sincerely thought that they were going to talk behind my back like they did with every other shitty person in their life after those people left their life.

None of this was the case. My friend really was concerned for me. And I responded in probably one of the worst ways possible.

After this, I sent more manic screenshot messages and made wide claims. Looking back, there was nothing in their messages that demonstrated actual malice. It was me trying to read between the lines, and I sincerely thought that I had it right this time.

This all happened purely because I did not recognize that I still retained my anxious behaviours. I sincerely thought that I had a handle on them, and I communicated to my friend under the presumption that those behaviours were something that I didn't need to work on anymore, because I thought I resolved them already.

And you know what's the worst part? I literally met their partner just a few days prior. We had fun that day. I made one of the worst second impressions of all time.

After re-reading everything, I realized my mess up. My friend made the claim that I gave up on myself, which really, really stung. I didn't give up on myself, but I for sure gave off the impression that I did.

After sending some grovelling messages, I have not heard a word back since yesterday. I have not been blocked, although it could be that my apologies are being farmed for some entertainment somewhere else. At this point, I wouldn't blame them for it. This is the kind of stuff that MoistCr1t1kal makes a video on, and I honestly thought I was in on the joke when as it turns out, I was still the butt of it. I'm embarrassed, man.

TL;DR: Wanted to tell my friend that I wanted to focus on projects myself, became paranoid that they were being insincere in their concern due to me being oblivious to anxieties I thought I already worked past, and showed them exactly why they should have been concerned.