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TIFU by kissing my friend because I was 100% sure he was about to kiss me first

This happened three days ago and I want to move to a different country.

There’s this guy in my friend group. we've been friends for like a year and a half, nothing weird, except lately it felt like something shifted. or I thought it did. he was texting more, finding reasons to sit next to me, did this thing where he'd fix my hood when it was half stuck in my jacket collar which like. who does that platonically. WHO.

So last friday we're at a pregame at our mutual friend's place, it gets late, people leave, and it's just me and him on the couch. close. talking about nothing. and he gets this look on his face, kind of soft, kind of serious, leaning slightly and going quiet mid-sentence.

I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

I kissed him.

he did not kiss me back.

not like he pushed me away, he just. froze. and then pulled back a little and did this sharp exhale and said "oh."

one syllable. oh.

I wanted to dissolve into the couch cushions and become part of the furniture forever.

turns out he was about to tell me that he likes my friend. wanted my advice. was working up the nerve. that was the look. that was the quiet. he was nervous about talking about her.

I had to sit there for another forty minutes because I couldn't leave without making it weirder. we both pretended to watch something on his phone. I don't know what it was. I was not processing visual information at that point.

he texted me the next day like "hey are you okay" and I said "yeah lol" and have not opened anything since.

I have to see him friday. same friend group. they will be there.

I am not okay.

TL;DR: misread a moment so badly I kissed a guy who was actually about to ask me for dating advice about someone else. have to see him in four days.

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