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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by bear macing my girlfriend's lady bits

Obligatory - this happened last night.

My girlfriend and I are avid hot sauce lovers and love spicy food! We watch Hot Ones and try some of the sauces from there. We peep the /r/hotsauce scene. And last night we even decided to run our own mini Hot Ones gambit. For those interested, the lineup in order is Yellowbird Habanero (mild), Secret Aardvark (medium if that), Torchbearer Garlic Reaper (hot), and finally The Beast (instant fucking hot...like between 250,000 - 1,000,000 Scoville). 4 wings with 4 different, escalating hot sauce. It was spicy, awesome, and delicious.

I'll preface this with the fact that we've both been dealing with some stress and haven't exactly had the energy to be as romantic as we would like to lately or have been in the past (Afuck. Ayou. ACOVID-19). We get done with the spicy, grueling challenge, go to the living room to sit and watch some tube and chill. After about 20 minutes and a trip to the kitchen for a shot, she takes me by the hand and pulls me to the bedroom like a lost puppy. My mind and body are screaming "Let's GOooOOooO!!!!!" as we jump into bed. Clothes start flying, lips and tongue smacking, and I am off to explore the nether regions like a teenage spelunker with a viagra-injected stalagmite. I gracefully start to massage her magic bean as I'm working the rest of myself down to begin a much anticipated adventure which, as you can imagine, is the beginning of the F-up. Right as soon as I thought we were ready, she suddenly says "Did you wash your hands??". At this point, it was the last thing I had thought about since we ingested hell itself. I realized I was ill prepared for this excursion and questionably replied yes, but by washing them, I remembered it was more of a quick rinse.

She begins writhing in pain, and I'm trying to put my cave monster away into some shorts so I can mad dash to the kitchen (all the curtains were open) and find some relief for her. She is steady in my tracks, screaming/crying. I'm apologizing. She grabs some peas out of the freezer to aid in cooling down her literal fire crotch. After about 20 minutes and a bag of semi-mushy peas later, her pain is manageable. I'm still apologizing, and we were both saddened by our ruined pleasure time. We agreed upon a hotsauce protocol and are laughing about it today, but it's easy to say it was not the good kind of hot.

TL;DR - I had remnants of extremely hot hotsauce on my hands as my girlfriend and I began sexy time forcing her to put P's on her V instead of my D in her V.

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