TIFU by completing a hot wing challenge (not exactly what you think)

Kinda a 1-2 punch really. The first is the most obvious that comes with a hot wing challenge the second is a mistake I will never forget or make again.

Backstory:

I am a male (will come into play later) and I have always had a competitive side. Man vs Food is one of my favorite shows and I have always wanted to complete a hot wing challenge. I have searched for them all over and finally had the right opportunity to complete one on our way back home from vacation in South Florida. The wings were made with red pepper flakes, jalapeno peppers (2,500-10,000 Scoville units), cayenne peppers (25,000-50,000 Scoville units), habanero peppers (100,000-350,000 Scoville units), ghost peppers (750,000-100,000 Scoville units), and an extract that is twice as hot as ghost peppers so about 2 million Scoville units (pepper spray is in this range). So at this point, the question of why in the world would I want to do this was in my head and was being verbally expressed by my family. But I ignored both my inner voice and my family and progressed forward.

I wanted to do this challenge so I ordered the wings, signed a waiver and after about 15 minutes I had the wings sitting in front of me (if allowed, I can post a photo in an edit, I was unsure if photos are allowed). The smell made me gag and I was really nervous especially since everyone around us started to watch as the manager announced what was about to happen. I had 4 minutes to eat 6 wings, I then had to sit for 4 minutes after, all without milk or a napkin... dammit. Well, I knew once I bit into the first wing, I was going to feel the pain no matter what so I told myself no matter how bad it hurts, I was going to finish this challenge. The timer starts, I tear into the wings. Hiccups started after the second one, as well as tears and immense burning and sweating. I crushed the wings, and sit for 4 minutes and finally get my hard-earned glass of milk. Mission accomplished I did it! I got a cool shirt (I can post a picture in an edit if photos are allowed) and a round of applause. I also had a few beers purchased for me from the crowd. It was crazy though because I could not taste any of the beers or my actual dinner which might as well have been cardboard. But I did it, and I was pumped.

Now for the fuck up part...

I washed my hands no less than 7 times and even rinsed them with milk twice. I made sure to touch as little of my body as possible and I intentionally did not shower that night back at the hotel. I laid down for bed not feeling the best because my dumb ass did not even think to take tums or Pepto before the challenge so I am struggling pretty hard but did not care because I was still pumped about my T-shirt and accomplishment and I managed to fall asleep. Well... 2 am rolls around and I feel like my insides are on fire, I run to the bathroom and do exactly what you would expect after a hot wing challenge, however, I made one of those mistakes you will never make twice in a lifetime. In my sleepy late-night upset stomach daze, I used my hands to control where I was peeing (remember I said I was a male) while on the toilet, I also, you know wiped my ass.

After about 5 minutes of being back in bed, it felt like someone had taken sandpaper to my private areas and rubbed icy hot on both areas my hands had touched or been near. I hopped up and got in the shower (which did not help) for about 30 minutes and basically had given up on life in this instant. I had never felt such pain. There was no amount of tears that could help and I was legit afraid to touch anything else. Being the only one in my room, the only way I could think of describing the moment was like the scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall where the hotel front desk calls and mentioned complaints about a woman crying hysterically but it's really Peter. It was literally one of the worst pains I had ever felt. I even went as far as to go to the ice machine to get ice and try to ice myself for about 15-20 min. It helped a bit, but nothing was making it go away.

After about 2 hours the burning had subsided enough to not be in a panic and I finally went back to bed around 5am. The next day when I met up with my family they asked how I was feeling, I told them good, but I am pretty sure they could tell I was lying based on how tired and defeated I looked. Regardless, I had my victory t-shirt and what little pride I had left and that was good enough for me.

TL;DR - I completed a hot wing eating challenge fulfilling a goal of mine but nearly burnt off my private areas with hot wing residue and cried myself to sleep in the process.