Skip to main content

TIFU by making a shit so big that it flooded the entire upstairs bathroom

(throwaway for obvious reasons)I[18f] was sleeping peacefully one night, when an ungodly urge provoked me. In a panicked, ice cold sweat, mists of both fear and confusion spewed from my breath. Then, I felt it. A thundering roar preceded by a desperate bleat.. All coming from the deepest pits of my stomach.

It was then that I realized, in a panicked craze, that I had to shit... and badly. I waddled over to the bathroom, as quickly as my stubby, tired legs could carry me. I was on a payload mission, and I only had 2 minutes to complete it. I plopped myself down on the toilet out of desperation. Days worth of unloaded shit spewed down into the murky waters below. It was the culmination of everything that I had to deal with that previous week, embodied by the fragrance of my waste... and it was over before it even started. My ass was sore. I attempted in desperation to flush.. instead, the wrath of the toilet screeched out at me. I knew this was going to be huge.. but nothing could have prepared me for the sheer immensity of what the Gods of my bowels had gifted me. With tired, empty eyes, i peered down into the toilet below.

Now, this shit was far past the magnitude of a dad's shit. It was so wide, that it literally filled the entirety of the hole inside of the toilet bowl... This mf looked like your mother's feet nine months into her second pregnancy. This was the only time in my life that I had ever so desperately pleaded for a poop knife. Like a knight in the wake of a massive dragon, I wielded my plunger with short-term diligence. After 2 minutes of trying and failing to reel this massive shit out, I gave up. It was 1 AM, I had work the next day. I couldn't be bothered by such matters. Little did I know, this would be the biggest mistake yet. 2 hours pass. I'm fast asleep, only to yet again be bothered by an eerie noise... but this time, it was different.

drip, drip, drip
The sound of water pecked my sensitive ears.
*"maybe someone forgot to turn off the sink?"*
I went into the kitchen, then into the bathroom.. Nothing.
A unique feeling of consternation, of which I cannot replicate, reaped any sense of hope away. It's almost as if I knew what was going to happen, without knowing what was going to happen. Hesitantly, I crept to the laundry room. I glanced upward. Meeting my eyes was a vent, dripping with water. It was at this moment, that I knew I fucked up. I ran upstairs. I tried desperately to disarm the toilet of my foul-smelling weaponry. This payload mission had ghoulishly metamorphized into an imperative stealth mission, Metal Gear 2-style... and I was a two-year-old who couldn't hold the controller right. The only source of towels in my house (as to clean up the mess) was in my parents room. You can imagine what happened next. I felt like shit for accidentally waking up my mother. She ended up helping me (poor soul). To my family, I was the hero. I saved the floor from completely giving in. Thing is, no one knows it was me. I practically gave BIRTH to that shit. Now, I must carry around the burden of secrecy wherever I go.
No one can know.
TL;DR: took a massive shit that couldn't fit through the hole in the toilet bowl, flushed the toilet, went to bed (without clogging it), and woke up to dripping coming from the roof. had to mop up the water from the shit with the help of my mom. no one knows it was me.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...
Post a Comment
Read more