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TIFU by impaling myself

Actually last night but still reaping the consequences. So I’m in college and a girl from my class invited me out to a party she’s having. I hadn’t eaten for abt 9 hours but decided to take 2 shots and have a (very strong) mixed drink. I invited my roommate and this guy I’ve been seeing casually who I really like, call him G.

Well of course I get absolutely annihilated off my ass. We get to the party and everything’s going fine until I try to sit down without looking, and lean back into a huge mirror which breaks and pieces go everywhere. We honestly should’ve just left after that, but noooo, we had to stay.

A bit later, one of my friends says “let’s go explore a construction site!” I’m like what fucking construction site mate, I follow her to the side yard and see her and another dude tryna hop the fence. It’s one of those w the decorative top piece right. In my infinite wisdom I don’t even look and just flung myself over the fence, breaking the decorative piece and all of a sudden, I am suspended in the air with pressure on my lower abdomen right by my coochie. Well turns out there was a tree n I got fucking impaled, and had to manually remove myself from the tree tryna act all cool and shit. I went pale as a ghost and didn’t realize how bad it was until we got home..

G ordered an uber and Mickey Ds which was fucking amazing, so we get home and I try to clean up the flesh wound. Y’all, this shit is like 8cm long and 3cm wide. Now I’m waiting in the ER for stitches. I am fucking mortified and I think I blew it with G :(

TLDR: Drunkenly flew over a fence, landed gut-first ON a tree branch. Waiting for stitches now.

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