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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU By Not Knowing Squirters Existed

I have been sitting on this story for quite some time and have decided that now is the correct time to share it, with it being the three year anniversary of that fateful night.

I was a senior in college, 22 years old at the time. I had wrapped up finals and all of the seniors had that weird week after finals but before graduation where we just partied everyday. My buddies and I decided to go to a party at an offcampus house.

I meet this girl, call her Christina, and really hit it off with her. We had the drinks going, the music was great, we danced and just had an overall fun time at the party. As the night went on, she asked me to come back to her apartment close by, I happily agree.

We get back to her room and immediately get it on. Fucking is commensing - missionary style. I pull out of this girl and decide to go down on her, uncommon for me if I am honest. As I am going down, it is like a faucet has turned on. Not from my down under, but hers. Liquid comes shooting out of her like the jet setting on a hose, smacking me in the face. Im trying to block it with my arms, like Thanos when he was approaching Scarlet Witch in Infinity War. Keep in mind, I am VERY drunk.

Some of the liquid goes into my mouth. My first thought is: "Oh shit, this girl just pissed into my mouth."

I projectile vomit all over this poor girl.

She starts screaming bloody murder. I'm dazed. I'm confused - still in a trance from just having launched all of what was in my stomach onto hers.

I finally recollect myself and assess the situation. I sprint out of her room and into the bathroom directly across the hall of her apartment, scrambling to get towels and toilet paper. As I am crossing back from the bathroom to her bedroom, the front door of her apartment opens; her roommate. She gives me a beffudled look, seeing me, completely naked, holding toilet papers in one hand, a towel in the other and little chunks of throwup on my arms.

"Uh.. what exactly is going on here?" She asks

"I don't even know." And I sprinted back into the Christina's room to clean her up.

The rest of the night ended up with me very quickly sobering up, explaing to her roommate that everything was okay, cleaning up Christina and the two of us agreeing to never speak again - not that it would be hard considering we were graduating in a week. I also said to her that she should have given me and any of her partners in the future for that matter a heads up.

TL;DR: I met a girl at a party, we hit it off and went back to her place to do the sex. She squirted into my mouth and I projectile threw up on her.

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