TIFU: period.

Obligatory didn’t happen today, but happens a couple of months ago.

Been in a long term relationship where oral is a pretty common thing (lucky us).

Was at a mutual friends birthday party where we were both knocking back a jäger or two and everything in between. I’m very much a bloke who gets mega Dutch courage after a few drinks and can start spouting absolute nonsense, even in a sexual way.

Usually I get fairly raunchy once the jäger hits and I decided it would be a good idea to start whispering in my girlfriends ear about everything I want to do to her, lick every inch etc. Have a good night at the venue, both decide it’s a good time to head home and start acting out what I’ve been cheekily chatting.

We get home, Things start getting heated, we’re both naked, kissing intensely, decide this is the perfect time to throw the duvet over my head and slowly kiss my way down.

I start my teasing session, kissing everywhere, brushing against the good parts but not quite going for it just yet. Finally give her some respite by going to town on the clit. I’m fairly confident in my oral skills, but what follows is where it starts going down hill.

The FU: I’m going to absolute town, clit in mouth, two fingers in the G spot, getting all the best responses. Everything is going great, she’s getting wetter and wetter… maybe a little bit too wet.

All of a sudden it tastes like I’m sucking on a two pence coin, licking the end of a battery, sucking on the two days old spare rib from the butchers.

Enough is enough, I throw the duvet up and turn the lamp on….

It’s a scene from the walking dead if they decided to throw a full bucket of fake blood over the pelvic area.

I immediately start retching and throw up over my girlfriend, shout “how could you not tell me it was your time”. She starts crying and shouting back “it’s not, this is way too early”.

I’m throwing up on her, she’s crying in embarrassment as I leg it to the bathroom. Veraciously washing my mouth and face in the sink, scrubbing absolutely everything.

After 5 minutes, the blood is still not disappearing, it’s still streaming down my face… turns out, I hit my nose on my way down on the pelvic bone and it gave me a nose bleed.

Tldr: got drunk, went down on my GF and had a nose bleed which I mistook for a period.