TIFU by trying to dutch oven my GF.

So I just got home from this incident about an hour ago.

Around the time when I'd known my GF, who we'll call "Sarah", for about 8 months, we had reached the point in our relationship where we wouldn't close the bathroom door all the way or hold in our farts. And a few weeks ago, she let one rip while I was relaxing on the couch at her place waiting for her to join me with popcorn as we were about to start another episode of GoT. (She had never watched it and wanted to watch it with someone who could explain things if she had trouble understanding.) I didn't think anything of it, but as she walked over, the odor followed her as if it was attached to her butt hole by a leash and this was a diabolical fart. It could peel wallpaper and cause plants to wilt. "Damn babe, what did you eat?" I chuckled, plugging my nose. Then the smell really hit her and she plugged her nose too. "Crap, I'm sorry, I forgot to take my pills at brunch after that cheese omelette." (She's lactose intolerant, but instead of pain she gets rancid gas unless she takes a pill that helps her properly process the lactose. She's usually pretty on top of that, but this time she forgot, no big deal.) She got up, ran to the bathroom, got a can of Febreeze and proceeded to spray it vigorously in the living room.

Cut to last night. I hadn't really held a grudge, but an idea for a silly prank had formed in my mind. It was simple, wait until we were cuddling in bed and without warning, pull the covers over her head and let one rip while saying, "That was for a few weeks ago!" I wanted to make sure I'd be able to fart on demand, so for lunch I suggested we order some Taco Time, because fuck Taco Bell, that shit is nasty in Canada. Liquid, greasy cheese, soggy tortillas and bland meat. Taco Time is still not gourmet Mexican but it's undeniably superior IMHO. Usually I get a medium beef and cheese burrito with a small Mexi-Fries, but this time, to help things along for my prank, I ordered a large beef and cheese and no fries.

Oh yes, and I must mention that until I started dating Sarah, I hadn't been able to have sex because my anti-depressants gave me a serious case of erectile dysfunction, which is such an emasculating condition. I had never had a problem with that whatsoever before Zoloft, but alas, the Zoloft works so good that I can't afford to not take it. I can still get hard, but it's very hard to maintain. Luckily, you don't need to get fully erect to masturbate. I have no problems talking about masturbation on Reddit, it's a perfectly natural thing. I believe that if God had intended for us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter.

In the past I had dabbled with Viagra a few times just to see what it was like and after I climaxed, I would often stay hard for at least 45 minutes, which came in handy for helping my partners reach their climax, but I know that having an erection for longer than 4 hours is dangerous and ever since I've been reluctant to take Viagra since prior to Zoloft, I hadn't needed it anyway, but I knew Sarah would be expecting things as we had reached that part of our relationship. So, without telling her, because I wouldn't want her to think she was the problem, I had one pill stashed in my shirt pocket ready to take it at a moments notice.

We got to the scene where Tyrion first meets Shae and sleeps with her before joining his father's army on the battlefield the next morning. When the screen faded to black, implying that they're having sex, Sarah lifted her head from my lap slightly and grabbed hold of my johnson. Hello there. Oh Mr. Viagra... Anyway, we had sex, blah blah blah and as we're sitting in bed, having pillow talk about what she thinks will happen next on GoT and not being that far off, save for predicting that SPOILER ALERT, Ned Stark dies. I'd cum twice since the Viagra kept me hard long enough and she'd cum once. I pull the covers over her head and pushed as hard a could, hoping for some assistance from the beef and cheese. I felt something come out of my butt hole, but there was no fart sound and much to my horror, it felt like a very wet fart. Too wet...

She punches my chest playfully and freed her head to see the look of horror on my face. "I think I just shat myself." I said, calmly, but still in horror. "Is that what you were trying to do?" She giggled. "No, I was trying to fart. But it ended up being a shart." Sarah has always found the word shart hilarious for some reason, so she collapsed to the floor laughing hysterically while I regained my composure long enough to assess the damage to the sheets. It wasn't that bad. I mean, yeah I sharted, but it wasn't a huge stain all things considered. I pulled the sheets off and threw them straight into the washing machine along with my gitch and sleep pants. One thing that I love about her place is that the laundry machines are right in her bedroom, stacked on top of each other. Very convenient.

By now, Sarah had stopped laughing and was sitting behind me with her arms around my chest. "Shitting on my sheets and sticking my head under the covers is weird and messed up, but farting I'll allow. You realize of course, that you've opened Pandora's Box now." "Fart Wars?" I asked her and she snorted with laughter. Now I know what you might be thinking? OP, where's the fuck up? You had sex and didn't ruin the relationship. You're absolutely right, but shortly after I said "Fart Wars?" I felt a pain in my ass the likes of which I've never felt before. It made me cry like a baby and curl up into the fetal position on the floor of Sarah's bedroom.

I didn't know this, but apparently pushing too hard too often is not good for the anus. And it can lead to an outbreak of hemorrhoids. Normally I'd be considered too young to get hemorrhoids, however when I saw the doctor in the emergency room that night, he asked me how often did I need to push that hard while pooping and I told him almost always. My mom had been telling me for years that I needed to change my diet and I knew she was right but I was lazy. So the doc told me to buy some Preparation H and take Metamucil in future if I wasn't going to change my diet to prevent further outbreaks. So now I'm sitting at my computer desk, with a tiny inflatable inner tube between my butt cheeks and the seat.

TL;DR: Wanted to prank my girlfriend by dutch ovening her, ended up sharting and the strain of pushing combined with all the previous strain from my (no pun intended,) crappy diet gave me an outbreak of hemorrhoids at the age of 30.