TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a party

Me and my girlfriend are 19M and 18F respectively and are both college students. Tonight we headed out to a party at about 9pm, where there was going to be a lot of drinking and partying, as expected. Now, my girlfriend is quite small and slim, so that definitely doesn’t help to the fact that she has an extremely low alcohol tolerance, so I knew that was going to be an issue later on, I just didn’t realise how much of an issue but I wasn’t going to stop her since she insisted beforehand that she would be fine. Anyway, onto the interesting part of the story. So I hadn’t seen my girlfriend for a couple hours until 2am when the party was just sorta finishing and people where leaving, where I finally found her again and she was absolutely drunk, completely gone. I told her we were leaving to which she told me I was ruining the fun, but people where already leaving which I pointed out to her and just kind of took her with me because I knew if she stayed it would only get worse. And now I had to walk this completely drunk and confused girl to get to our flat, which it took us 10 minutes to walk from to get to the party.

45 minutes. It took 45 minute to walk back. I won’t go into too much detail since this isn’t the main point of the story, but the 45 minute walk included: a stop for her to (almost but not quite) throw up, 5 stops to sit down because “she couldn’t feel her feet”, a stop for her to pee in a bush, a 5 minute conversation between her and a homeless person, a stop to attempt to (before being stopped and dragged away by me) poo outside a burger king as a punishment for “taking away the mc rib”, a stop to talk to a squirrel (there was no squirrel, she was talking to literally nothing) all before finally making it home. And none of that is even the main event of the evening.

Once we got home I actually managed to get her to quietly sit down for about 20 minutes before she claimed she had to pee again, but this time it was different because after helping her careful walk to the bathroom and sitting her down on the toilet she asked what I was doing. I assumed this meant she wanted privacy so I asked if she wanted my help or wanted me to leave. And then she said the most confusing thing I’ve heard her say. She said “well I need your help cause I can’t aim my dick well”. ??? She’s a biological female and definitely does not have a dick, but she was persistent that she did, even after I asked her where it was and she couldn’t tell me. I told her to just sit down and she got very upset and told me that she didn’t need my help and she would prove it by doing it by herself and I’d see that she had a dick.

So there I stood, questioning my life as I watch the girl I’m in love with take her pants off and stand at a toilet attempting to angrily pee with something she didn’t have and completely failing and covering the floor with pee, but in her mind she did it perfectly and I was lying to her. So she just walked out, pants still off, collapsed in the middle of our bed and passed out.

After an hour of cleaning the bathroom floor and questioning my life, I’m now sitting and realising the funny side to tonight. Its too funny not to share, but I also don’t want to chance ruining my girlfriend’s reputation any further, hence why this is on an alt account. But I think her reputation has already taken quite the hit.

TLDR: went to a party, girlfriend got completely drunk, had 45 minutes of chaos on the walk home, claimed to have a dick and peed all over the floor