TIFU

I am 23M // boyfriend is 24M // John is 24M

sigh frankly, I don’t know why i’m doing this but I don’t know what to do at this point.

I’m not really looking to get told im a POS bcus i know i am. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about 6 years & frankly, we’re happy & have become such a healthy couple dynamic. Anyways, there is this one guy (let’s call him john) that has been a constant in my life. John & i started out getting to know each other when we were both 14 and he had a GF the entire time so it stayed fairly platonic with me showing obvious feelings towards John.

John would lead me on & block me, then unblock me 2 days later to have me come over and “hang out”. i would get petty & threaten to show his gf at the time our texts. Anyways, it was all fairly toxic & i gave up on the idea of him and i dating a long time ago. Whenever john & i would meet up to “hang out” it would always be him insulting me or pushing/hitting me (it was like this for basically the entire time before i met my BF) but we just had REALLY INTENSE sexual chemistry. He was really well endowed, we were into alot of the same kinks, i had been the only one able to “fit” all of him in my throat, actually make him “finish”, and before my now-BF John was the only one that could get me to “finish” hands free, which if you’re a gay male or a female, is a pretty big deal.

Fast forward to when I was 17, i got into a relationship with my current boyfriend but John would still try to get me to “hang out”, to the point where he came to my building and told me he wasn’t leaving until i told him why we couldn’t “hang out” anymore. I told him and short of him saying “we’re over” he basically broke up with me, he cried from some reason?

Anyways, things were pretty good with BF but he would break up with me every like 6-8 months for like 1-3 weeks? Give or take. I thought at first it was to cheat without actually cheating but since he would forget to log out of his social media on my ipad, i’d see everything he did and he never “cheated” i’d also download Grindr just in case since we lived fairly close together and he had very specific stats. Found out recently it was because he was afraid things were getting too serious and thought giving us space would stop it from getting that serious and he was also trying to focus on just college because of an exam or something. After about 4 years of this, i got annoyed and when he broke up with me AGAIN I just blocked him and ignored him. Coincidentally that exact day John messaged me and asked to see me, so seeing that I was technically single I said why not, took the subway to his place, and as soon as i got there we just melted into each other and turns out he was with a new girl for over a year and after we “broke up” he broke up with his ex and basically REALLY tried to date guys but verbatim “none of them were like you” I told him that was nice but that i wasn’t really looking to get into anything and that basically ended up getting me insulted and kicked out lol. My boyfriend ended up coming to my place a week later and we had a heart to heart saying he wouldn’t do that again and that me actually blocking him was like a wake up call that i was actually taking the break up serious and after alot of crying he basically said i don’t see my life without you and we never really broke up again after that and it’s been on the up and up since then.

Cut to 3 weeks ago when my boyfriend and I got into the most heated fight we have ever had, that short of us actually throwing hands was pretty violent (got really close to each others face yelling raising our hands like we would hit each other) and it ended with him storming out (we dont live together) and we were NC for about a week before I literally ran into John on the subway home (we live in the same borough) and we ended up sitting down for coffee/tea and he told about how he found out his gf was cheating (even tho he cheated on her with me lol) with his best friend, his mom basically shit on him for being bi and alot of other life shit and for the first time we actually had a very genuine conversation. Anyways, we went on our separate ways because in my mind my BF & I are still together since we never said “we’re over” or “we’re broken up” and for the next few days after that i started checking up on him cus idk that’s just how i am with people who are going through it and 4 days ago he asked me to come over because he wanted to watch a new movie and well the entire movie we cuddled, he literally pulled me in to cuddle with him. we weren’t even remotely mean to each other and had an actual conversation after years of only knowing him as someone who was toxic and had good dick. He just did things i never expected him to do that day and it really fucked with my head. He kissed my forehead while we were watching the movie, called me cute, taught me how to smoke out of an apple, offered for me to sleepover, passed me water after doing the deed, when we were “adult hugging” it was different from every other time cus it was just slow, passionate, and he just took his time with me and I literally finished about 5 times and i was begging for him to finish cus i was literally going to pass out and when he did finish he just laid on top of me, inside me, for a really long time. Just holding me and kissing me. We fell asleep together for the first time and I woke up to him having ordered us breakfast and offering for me to stay the rest of the day with him but I had to work. He dropped me off at work and told me thank you for everything and that he can’t wait to see me again. After coming down from the high of it all I realized that, I did cheat on my boyfriend and despite it being one of the best nights i’ve had with John ever, I don’t think it trumps all the years i’ve had with my boyfriend. My boyfriend ended up surprising me at work yesterday with flowers and taking me to dinner and apologizing for everything and i did too but when we were doing everything we normally did I couldn’t stop thinking of John. I still haven’t. I am in love with my boyfriend and I do not see my life without him at all despite our flaws but as cheesy as this sounds i can feel john under my skin. I went to get tested the day after i did stuff with John just in case because we did do everything unprotected. John has been messaging me asking how i’m doing and i’ve just been giving him really dry answers. I haven’t told my boyfriend and he doesn’t think this counted as a break up either so, yeah. It’s eating away at me.

TLDR: toxic FWB & I actually had a genuine night for once & it fucked with my head hard.